Author: Vangie

Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 4:56 am

This journal is a compilation of a variety of events that have transpired throughout my years. I am writing to remind myself how I arrived on the road I am to date. I plan to write in free thought and analyze afterwards. This writing style has proved helpful to me.
Perhaps someone else can benefit from my experiences.

I am four years old standing at the edge of that bright green couch. Why are all these people here? How can he still be sleeping on that couch…so bright…with all this noise? I stare at the overly long, high bed with those funny wheels. Does my bed have funny wheels? I walk down the hall and pull up my blanket. Small black wheels. Why are there lights flashing outside my window? So bright. Mom will know. Where is mom? I walk back down the hall and my dad is now on that big bed with the funny wheels. Ma? The bed is wheeling towards the front door. Where are you taking my dad? The man only bows his head down and continues to push him farther away from me. WHERE IS MY MOM? I am only four years old.

These are my memories from the morning my father passed away. I can picture the scene and feel the sensations clear as a bell. Sensations of confusion, a tinge of fear and a lot of anxiety. My mother chose to not comfort her children and instead leave the house with my father’s partner. I was later told she broke down and my grandmother stayed with us. Way to go Mom. Lol. I know now that she handled her initial grief the best way she knew how but, it took me years to get to that level of understanding. This event was a turning point for our family. My mom was left alone to raise two kids, 3 and 4, with one on the way. We were always told my father died of an enlarged heart. Stress was supposed factor as he was a Newark cop with 2 toddlers and a soon to be newborn. Much to our surprise, we found out years later, quite by fluke, that he really died of a drug overdose. I will touch upon that later on in my free thought.

I will add that after my dad passed we stayed in our apartment for only two months and I remember a strong urge to set that couch on fire.

I am 8 years old and I am skating up the rocky sidewalk. I jerk forward after every tiny rock I hit. I am not allowed to ride in the street. I am not allowed to do a lot of things. Bam, one really hard jerk and I am on my knees. Man that hurts. Ripped jean leg. I am so mad. We live on a dead end street. what could possible happen if I ride in the street? So unfair. The street it is. Im on the smooth pavement and my skates are riding like thunder. I am almost to the top. Should I get on the sidewalk yet? Screw it. I hear a loud noise behind me. I know what that noise is. my stomach churns as I skate to the sidewalk. I dare not turn around. The truck pulls into the driveway. He is home. I am skating as slowly as I can towards the house. Doesn’t matter much because he is quickly upon me. Bam I am on the ground again. Not from a rock. From a hand. I wish I could break that hand.

I am eight years old standing at the neighbors open car door window. Matchbook in hand I am filled with fear and unusual excitement.I light the matchbook, toss it through the open window and walked on up the hill. I hear them. Sirens. Fire sirens. Oh crap…so cool…oh crap. The next week I am standing in my neighbors backyard matchbook in hand. I light the matchbook toss it on the dry bush and saunter out of the yard and up the hill. So cool. I am only 8 years old.

After my dad passed away we moved from our newark apartment into a mother daughter home with my grandparents. Mom’s side. We were stable as stable can get considering our circumstances. My mom worked and us kids were alone or downstairs with our grandparents. My mom did her best to keep us afloat financial. Emotionally? That is a different story. She turned to booze to deal with her grief. When she wasn’t working she was out or had friends at our house. My first tastes of booze were during this time. A sip of beer here a sip of amaretto there. I guess they all thought it was cute to give kids booze? My mom met a guy named Mike when I was 8. I remember feelings of angry towards him for taking away the little time my mom did have for us. Mike turned out to be a heavy cocaine user. He turned out to be abusive towards all of us. 4 years later my mom had decided enough was enough. Wow. 4 years. Really Ma?

My small stint as an arsonist was limited to the two fires I set. I think now I needed that sense of power in a world where I was powerless and I also think the rush I got was a foreshadow to my future path of self destruction. It was and still is to some degree, all about the rush. I was also so very sad and mad inside and had to release it somehow. That is how i perceive it. I was never taught any coping skills. Left up to my own vices and fire it is.

I am ten years old standing in my neighbors garage smoking an old cigarette butt from a coffee can kept on the shelf. Gawd this tastes so bad. I am so dizzy and my head sure is buzzing. I need to sit down. The concrete feels so cool. I should put my head on it. Ahhh that feels nice on my cheek. I hope I don’t puke cuz that would suck. Oh great, Mark just walked in. Omg he is so cute. I better sit back up and I am gonna smoke another butt. Please god don’t let me puke. I wonder if he likes me? He is way too old. Probably has a really pretty girlfriend. Why do I gotta be so young? Ill bet his girlfriend don’t smoke. Omg he looked at me. What the heck is he looking at me for? My armpits are sweating. Why do I always sweat so much when I am nervous? I hate it. He is giving Brian his bottle? Why didn’t he give it to me? What the heck is it? Bri what is that? Give me some. Holy crap this stuff is good. Tastes like a peach. I want some more. I better give Bri the bottle back. Mark’s gonna think I am a pig. Screw it. One more chug. Why did I stop sweating? Wow I feel pretty good. I feel like a loosey goosey. ahhhaaahhhaaaahhhaaaahhhaaahhhaaahhaaa. God Mark you are so cute. Oh crap. Did I just say that out loud? Awww who cares. Mark Mark Markie Mark. I wanna feel this way all the time. Yea Baby. I feels so good and I am only ten years old.

This would be my first experience of getting drunk. I remember that feeling so clear. I was free. Free from anxiety, free from my problems at home, free as a bird. I felt so at home in my skin. What stands out to me now is that underlying rush I got from doing things that would put me at risk. I was in love with that rush and I wanted more. I did not drink again until later in my life but I often thought of the feeling it gave me. We would still take my neighbors mom butts and smoke them from time to time. I got the rush in other ways such as not doing my school work etc etc. I now know that I was addicted to the rush. Feel free to jump in if any of you can relate. I would be interested to hear if anyone sought out that rush at an early age.

I gotta get ready for work I will post more later.

Author: Vangie

Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 4:56 am

This journal is a compilation of a variety of events that have transpired throughout my years. I am writing to remind myself how I arrived on the road I am to date. I plan to write in free thought and analyze afterwards. This writing style has proved helpful to me.
Perhaps someone else can benefit from my experiences.

I am four years old standing at the edge of that bright green couch. Why are all these people here? How can he still be sleeping on that couch…so bright…with all this noise? I stare at the overly long, high bed with those funny wheels. Does my bed have funny wheels? I walk down the hall and pull up my blanket. Small black wheels. Why are there lights flashing outside my window? So bright. Mom will know. Where is mom? I walk back down the hall and my dad is now on that big bed with the funny wheels. Ma? The bed is wheeling towards the front door. Where are you taking my dad? The man only bows his head down and continues to push him farther away from me. WHERE IS MY MOM? I am only four years old.

These are my memories from the morning my father passed away. I can picture the scene and feel the sensations clear as a bell. Sensations of confusion, a tinge of fear and a lot of anxiety. My mother chose to not comfort her children and instead leave the house with my father’s partner. I was later told she broke down and my grandmother stayed with us. Way to go Mom. Lol. I know now that she handled her initial grief the best way she knew how but, it took me years to get to that level of understanding. This event was a turning point for our family. My mom was left alone to raise two kids, 3 and 4, with one on the way. We were always told my father died of an enlarged heart. Stress was supposed factor as he was a Newark cop with 2 toddlers and a soon to be newborn. Much to our surprise, we found out years later, quite by fluke, that he really died of a drug overdose. I will touch upon that later on in my free thought.

I will add that after my dad passed we stayed in our apartment for only two months and I remember a strong urge to set that couch on fire.

I am 8 years old and I am skating up the rocky sidewalk. I jerk forward after every tiny rock I hit. I am not allowed to ride in the street. I am not allowed to do a lot of things. Bam, one really hard jerk and I am on my knees. Man that hurts. Ripped jean leg. I am so mad. We live on a dead end street. what could possible happen if I ride in the street? So unfair. The street it is. Im on the smooth pavement and my skates are riding like thunder. I am almost to the top. Should I get on the sidewalk yet? Screw it. I hear a loud noise behind me. I know what that noise is. my stomach churns as I skate to the sidewalk. I dare not turn around. The truck pulls into the driveway. He is home. I am skating as slowly as I can towards the house. Doesn’t matter much because he is quickly upon me. Bam I am on the ground again. Not from a rock. From a hand. I wish I could break that hand.

I am eight years old standing at the neighbors open car door window. Matchbook in hand I am filled with fear and unusual excitement.I light the matchbook, toss it through the open window and walked on up the hill. I hear them. Sirens. Fire sirens. Oh crap…so cool…oh crap. The next week I am standing in my neighbors backyard matchbook in hand. I light the matchbook toss it on the dry bush and saunter out of the yard and up the hill. So cool. I am only 8 years old.

After my dad passed away we moved from our newark apartment into a mother daughter home with my grandparents. Mom’s side. We were stable as stable can get considering our circumstances. My mom worked and us kids were alone or downstairs with our grandparents. My mom did her best to keep us afloat financial. Emotionally? That is a different story. She turned to booze to deal with her grief. When she wasn’t working she was out or had friends at our house. My first tastes of booze were during this time. A sip of beer here a sip of amaretto there. I guess they all thought it was cute to give kids booze? My mom met a guy named Mike when I was 8. I remember feelings of angry towards him for taking away the little time my mom did have for us. Mike turned out to be a heavy cocaine user. He turned out to be abusive towards all of us. 4 years later my mom had decided enough was enough. Wow. 4 years. Really Ma?

My small stint as an arsonist was limited to the two fires I set. I think now I needed that sense of power in a world where I was powerless and I also think the rush I got was a foreshadow to my future path of self destruction. It was and still is to some degree, all about the rush. I was also so very sad and mad inside and had to release it somehow. That is how i perceive it. I was never taught any coping skills. Left up to my own vices and fire it is.

I am ten years old standing in my neighbors garage smoking an old cigarette butt from a coffee can kept on the shelf. Gawd this tastes so bad. I am so dizzy and my head sure is buzzing. I need to sit down. The concrete feels so cool. I should put my head on it. Ahhh that feels nice on my cheek. I hope I don’t puke cuz that would suck. Oh great, Mark just walked in. Omg he is so cute. I better sit back up and I am gonna smoke another butt. Please god don’t let me puke. I wonder if he likes me? He is way too old. Probably has a really pretty girlfriend. Why do I gotta be so young? Ill bet his girlfriend don’t smoke. Omg he looked at me. What the heck is he looking at me for? My armpits are sweating. Why do I always sweat so much when I am nervous? I hate it. He is giving Brian his bottle? Why didn’t he give it to me? What the heck is it? Bri what is that? Give me some. Holy crap this stuff is good. Tastes like a peach. I want some more. I better give Bri the bottle back. Mark’s gonna think I am a pig. Screw it. One more chug. Why did I stop sweating? Wow I feel pretty good. I feel like a loosey goosey. ahhhaaahhhaaaahhhaaaahhhaaahhhaaahhaaa. God Mark you are so cute. Oh crap. Did I just say that out loud? Awww who cares. Mark Mark Markie Mark. I wanna feel this way all the time. Yea Baby. I feels so good and I am only ten years old.

This would be my first experience of getting drunk. I remember that feeling so clear. I was free. Free from anxiety, free from my problems at home, free as a bird. I felt so at home in my skin. What stands out to me now is that underlying rush I got from doing things that would put me at risk. I was in love with that rush and I wanted more. I did not drink again until later in my life but I often thought of the feeling it gave me. We would still take my neighbors mom butts and smoke them from time to time. I got the rush in other ways such as not doing my school work etc etc. I now know that I was addicted to the rush. Feel free to jump in if any of you can relate. I would be interested to hear if anyone sought out that rush at an early age.

I gotta get ready for work I will post more later.

Author: Thegreatestislove

Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 4:59 am

Hello youcandoit , welcome to the forum. I have been around this site for a long while now but I did not decide to start posting until recently. I just read what others had written and experienced up until a few days ago. I decided it was time to chime in lol.
I am so proud of you for realizing your addicton and having enough common sense to know what your body was telling you. A lot of addicts remain in denial for much longer than you did. I am also happy to hear that the suboxone is working so well for you. For some people switching from ultram or tramadol over to sub therapy can be tricky, so you are very lucky you have not encountered any issues with the change-over. Other than your brief withdrawl phase of course.

Some people have issues because tramadol has a lot of the same properties as the ssri drugs or anti-depressant drugs. I don’t know if you were aware of this or not. For many suboxone seems like agony for a while if the addict decides to stick with it after stopping tramadol or ultram. They go through a period of withdrawals that has nothing to do with opiates, but rather withdrawals a person would encounter if they had become dependant on an anti-depressant and then stopped taking it. I am happy to know that this did not happen to you. If for whatever reason you DO start to feel some effects that are not pleasant just know that is is most likely the ssri qualities of the tramadol leaving your body and that if you stick with the subs the bad feelings will eventually stop.

To answer the question of JohnB007- YES Tramadol is considered an opiate medication and although if it is taken properly it is rarely addictive, most people find as with all opiates tolerance occurs and then the increase in usage is soon to follow. Once a large doseage is taken over a period of time Tramadol and ultram can become just as addictive as any other opiate mediction. Personally I believe tramadol and ultram are garbage drugs brought to the pain management industry as a way to force patients in chronic pain to use it as an alternative to the more highly addictive drugs like codiene, and oxycodone. They wanted to prove a point that they could formulate a medication that is totally man made and has anti-depressant properties to try to prove themselves right that anti-depressants do help people manage chronic pain issues. I cannot count the times I had doctors try to prescribe me anti-depressants instead of pain meds for my chronic pain condition. They would either try to prescribe them along with a few pain pills or just offer me the anti-depressant alone with the promise that anti-depressants help pain and would help my condition within a couple of weeks of taking the meds. I always had to decline their offers though as I had already tried taking almost every single anti-depressant on the market and none of them helped me with anything except for making me feel worse. Not to mention it pissed me off that they would rather shove anti-depressants at me and LIE stating each time "This is a better option because they are not addictive" BOLOGNA. I am aware that for some the benefits of taking anti-depressants DO help them manage their pain, and that is GREAT for THEM, but I also know plenty of people who are addicted to anti-depressants, desperately want off of them but face horrid withdrawals if they dare stop taking them. Even after tapering a long term user of anti-depressants to AID them in discontinuation of the medication they still present to ER’s in terror or spend endless night laying awake without any hope to get some sleep. They lose their appetite, become extremely suicidal and it takes six months at best for them to start feeling any type of normal again. Then they usually face another challenge something like OCD that can last for well over a year. My point is that tramadol is addictive and possibly even worse than your more potent pain drugs. Not only is it addictive but it has the potential to cause all the side effects I described at discontinuation. Thats why I say it is a terrible drug and I honestly believe within the next fifteen to twenty years we will start hearing ads for companies who make this crap getting law suits much like the trashy drug Darvocet. It’s funny I had that drug pushed on me too by several doctors. I was even prscribed Darvocet for restless legs syndrome while I was pregnant. It did help the restless legs, but it also caused my kidneys to fail and I almost died in the Hospital after giving birth to my youngest son because of this junk. These junky synthetic drugs literally make me angry for other patients to this day. Sorry for rambling, but I believe someone needed to address this.

Oh yeah, and I also know the difference between dependance and addiction before anyone tries to correct me. The people I speak of on anti-depressant drugs ARE addicted to them, Not simply dependant.

Now back to YouCANDOIT, you sure CAN! I am proud of you and I hope you feel a great sense of accomplishment for getting out there and finding yourself some help for your addiction. You hit the nail on the head when you stated you noticed a horrible pain in your stomach that was not there in the morning before the opiates but suddenly every morning the pain was intensified. You were exactly right to blame withdrawals because that is exactly what was happening to you. It would be great if everyone listened to their bodies the way you obviously do. I am so glad you reached out and found help for your addiction but I also want you to know that suboxone is not a cake walk for everybody. Not everyone has an easy time getting stabalized on sub and some people have negative reactions to the suboxone. Then if you are planning to eventually taper and discontinue suboxone, Well that is a whole other discussion. Good luck to you and I hope everything keeps looking up for you in your recovery.

Author: Thegreatestislove

Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 4:59 am

Hello youcandoit , welcome to the forum. I have been around this site for a long while now but I did not decide to start posting until recently. I just read what others had written and experienced up until a few days ago. I decided it was time to chime in lol.
I am so proud of you for realizing your addicton and having enough common sense to know what your body was telling you. A lot of addicts remain in denial for much longer than you did. I am also happy to hear that the suboxone is working so well for you. For some people switching from ultram or tramadol over to sub therapy can be tricky, so you are very lucky you have not encountered any issues with the change-over. Other than your brief withdrawl phase of course.

Some people have issues because tramadol has a lot of the same properties as the ssri drugs or anti-depressant drugs. I don’t know if you were aware of this or not. For many suboxone seems like agony for a while if the addict decides to stick with it after stopping tramadol or ultram. They go through a period of withdrawals that has nothing to do with opiates, but rather withdrawals a person would encounter if they had become dependant on an anti-depressant and then stopped taking it. I am happy to know that this did not happen to you. If for whatever reason you DO start to feel some effects that are not pleasant just know that is is most likely the ssri qualities of the tramadol leaving your body and that if you stick with the subs the bad feelings will eventually stop.

To answer the question of JohnB007- YES Tramadol is considered an opiate medication and although if it is taken properly it is rarely addictive, most people find as with all opiates tolerance occurs and then the increase in usage is soon to follow. Once a large doseage is taken over a period of time Tramadol and ultram can become just as addictive as any other opiate mediction. Personally I believe tramadol and ultram are garbage drugs brought to the pain management industry as a way to force patients in chronic pain to use it as an alternative to the more highly addictive drugs like codiene, and oxycodone. They wanted to prove a point that they could formulate a medication that is totally man made and has anti-depressant properties to try to prove themselves right that anti-depressants do help people manage chronic pain issues. I cannot count the times I had doctors try to prescribe me anti-depressants instead of pain meds for my chronic pain condition. They would either try to prescribe them along with a few pain pills or just offer me the anti-depressant alone with the promise that anti-depressants help pain and would help my condition within a couple of weeks of taking the meds. I always had to decline their offers though as I had already tried taking almost every single anti-depressant on the market and none of them helped me with anything except for making me feel worse. Not to mention it pissed me off that they would rather shove anti-depressants at me and LIE stating each time "This is a better option because they are not addictive" BOLOGNA. I am aware that for some the benefits of taking anti-depressants DO help them manage their pain, and that is GREAT for THEM, but I also know plenty of people who are addicted to anti-depressants, desperately want off of them but face horrid withdrawals if they dare stop taking them. Even after tapering a long term user of anti-depressants to AID them in discontinuation of the medication they still present to ER’s in terror or spend endless night laying awake without any hope to get some sleep. They lose their appetite, become extremely suicidal and it takes six months at best for them to start feeling any type of normal again. Then they usually face another challenge something like OCD that can last for well over a year. My point is that tramadol is addictive and possibly even worse than your more potent pain drugs. Not only is it addictive but it has the potential to cause all the side effects I described at discontinuation. Thats why I say it is a terrible drug and I honestly believe within the next fifteen to twenty years we will start hearing ads for companies who make this crap getting law suits much like the trashy drug Darvocet. It’s funny I had that drug pushed on me too by several doctors. I was even prscribed Darvocet for restless legs syndrome while I was pregnant. It did help the restless legs, but it also caused my kidneys to fail and I almost died in the Hospital after giving birth to my youngest son because of this junk. These junky synthetic drugs literally make me angry for other patients to this day. Sorry for rambling, but I believe someone needed to address this.

Oh yeah, and I also know the difference between dependance and addiction before anyone tries to correct me. The people I speak of on anti-depressant drugs ARE addicted to them, Not simply dependant.

Now back to YouCANDOIT, you sure CAN! I am proud of you and I hope you feel a great sense of accomplishment for getting out there and finding yourself some help for your addiction. You hit the nail on the head when you stated you noticed a horrible pain in your stomach that was not there in the morning before the opiates but suddenly every morning the pain was intensified. You were exactly right to blame withdrawals because that is exactly what was happening to you. It would be great if everyone listened to their bodies the way you obviously do. I am so glad you reached out and found help for your addiction but I also want you to know that suboxone is not a cake walk for everybody. Not everyone has an easy time getting stabalized on sub and some people have negative reactions to the suboxone. Then if you are planning to eventually taper and discontinue suboxone, Well that is a whole other discussion. Good luck to you and I hope everything keeps looking up for you in your recovery.

Author: Vangie

Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 7:15 am

I can go but sometimes it takes awhile. I agree with the other posters. It sounds like something more serious may be hapenning with you. I would make a dr. Appointment asap. Oh and I have also experienced slight edema in my lower legs. It goes away and then comes back. I have read that it is a potential side effect of the subs. Amy I take the films as well.

Author: Vangie

Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 7:15 am

I can go but sometimes it takes awhile. I agree with the other posters. It sounds like something more serious may be hapenning with you. I would make a dr. Appointment asap. Oh and I have also experienced slight edema in my lower legs. It goes away and then comes back. I have read that it is a potential side effect of the subs. Amy I take the films as well.

Author: krikit

Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 7:36 am

I have a 5 year old and a 10 year old(boys) and an 11 year old and 19 year old (step daughters). It really sucks not being able to talk to them, get on to them, stop them from doing something they shouldn’t. when my husband is home its not so bad, but when he is gone i have to make my son read out what i type in note pad. it is really hard when he has friends over because i dont want to tell them what i am on. I can not stand it. i hope they find a better way soon

Author: krikit

Posted: Sat May 18, 2013 7:36 am

I have a 5 year old and a 10 year old(boys) and an 11 year old and 19 year old (step daughters). It really sucks not being able to talk to them, get on to them, stop them from doing something they shouldn’t. when my husband is home its not so bad, but when he is gone i have to make my son read out what i type in note pad. it is really hard when he has friends over because i dont want to tell them what i am on. I can not stand it. i hope they find a better way soon

Author: pitbullmomma34

Posted: Thu May 16, 2013 11:07 am

My first appointment I was so sick and sweating like mad, I was under the impression that I would have to sit there for hours so I took my laptop and some movies in the office. I figured I would set there and watch a movie or something while I waited. I didn’t realize how it would go that day. Where I had taken it before off the streets, they figured that I didn’t have to induce and sit there to see how it reacted to me. So I got my script and was on my way. My second doctor since I was already on it, didn’t make me induce there either. This stuff is a miracle medication, and the price seems to be going down on it as well.
I remember I took my first dose before I went to eat with my mother and while I was sitting there, where I had to take two at once, I got tunnel vision. It was kinda funny lol. I wasn’t used to that high of a dose even when I was buying them off the street. Its so wonderful now to not worry about trying to find pills or make up excuses to people for why you are asking for pills, because you should have your own like me. ENJOY this time, it is wonderful.

Author: pitbullmomma34

Posted: Thu May 16, 2013 11:07 am

My first appointment I was so sick and sweating like mad, I was under the impression that I would have to sit there for hours so I took my laptop and some movies in the office. I figured I would set there and watch a movie or something while I waited. I didn’t realize how it would go that day. Where I had taken it before off the streets, they figured that I didn’t have to induce and sit there to see how it reacted to me. So I got my script and was on my way. My second doctor since I was already on it, didn’t make me induce there either. This stuff is a miracle medication, and the price seems to be going down on it as well.
I remember I took my first dose before I went to eat with my mother and while I was sitting there, where I had to take two at once, I got tunnel vision. It was kinda funny lol. I wasn’t used to that high of a dose even when I was buying them off the street. Its so wonderful now to not worry about trying to find pills or make up excuses to people for why you are asking for pills, because you should have your own like me. ENJOY this time, it is wonderful.