Author: jonathanm1978
Posted: Fri May 24, 2013 8:56 am
I still think back from time to time on how I got my start…Although, I had two or three starts. The very first was around 14 years ago, my wife and I were just married..living alone without any kids, and I came home sick from work one day with a BAD headache. My mom lived pretty close (walking distance away from us) and she came over and brought me a lortab 10. I remember after I took it, the headache went away and I felt frigging wonderful…had all kinds of energy.
But that was just one pill.
then…it came a time a couple years later when I had the need to get my wisdom teeth surgically extracted. Was put under with demoral drip and valium..given a script of pills that REALLY made my week better…(ironically, the surgeon that did my teeth was found shooting up in his office a couple years later….went to prison I think..and he had a very popular practice here in our area)…
I actually lied to get more this time…called and told them my ear was ringing and it was throbbing..told me I had a dry socket. But I was coached on what to say when I called, in order to get more pills.
This started a bad habit, because after I couldn’t get anymore pills, I started buying them at street value. $5 each for 7.5s was enough to do me for a few months, then I moved up to 10s. I began by taking a half of a ten…then that wasn’t enough…so whole tens…
after about 8 months, I lost my job that I had held for 4 years (since I was 18 and graduated). For a newly married man, at age 18…holding a production job for 4 years is something to be proud of…but pills helped make sure I didn’t hang onto that…when I lost my temper one day and threatened to kill a maintenance man. This particular maintenance man was married to the H.R Manager at the plant..so …..guess what he told his wife.
So I was at home…eating pills and at home. And my wife was starting to notice…there was a drastic change in my attitude and my behavior. I wasn’t the normal "me".
I finally got a job..and started working again. Shortly after, we found out we were going to have our first child…3 years into marriage. This job I got was at a cotton mill that had been in this area for over 100 years. Avondale Mills….it was a hard job..12 hour shifts…usually you started on night shifts…and people did all kinds of pills here. I was actually kinda at home because I could get pills from workers…
Time passed…maybe a few months. Wife had enough…and left me. I ‘straightened up’…but this wasn’t but about a year-long battle with pills. Not really enough to find out exactly how far I could go…it was just enough to look back and say "hey, wasn’t that bad"…
Withdrawals…quit associating with my mom (who was now into meth and heavier drugs)…even had a friend offer me meth, and I turned it down because I was high on pills all the time. SO glad I didn’t try it too..
Then, I met my dad while I was cleaned up. Started finding out who I was…where I came from (Slidell, LA was seeing lots of us for about 3 years).
Got a good job, finally..and things began to look up again. Nice vehicles again…a $500 /month durango payment was nothing…and it was somewhat fancy…back in 2002, that was saying something.
Then..knee surgery from this nice job I had. I knew I was going to have pills, and told myself I would handle them right…and really tried hard to keep my promise to myself…and did well with that for a bit. This was when Honda was starting up in a nearby town…the highest paying job in this area without any college…and you had to be on your job for 2 years or you wouldn’t be considered…I had met all the qualifications, and went for testing. I was going to be making KILLER money…IF I could snag this job.
It took about 5 months to find out if I got it…and finally, word came. I had the job.
Great insurance, great pay, great benefits..
I slowly got that feeling of "I make plenty, I can AFFORD pills.".
WRONG.
I started taking off..chasing pills. Eating more and more…and it became a monster again, just like years before…except this time i thought I was invincible. Until I got fired.
Downhill again…out of work…and for the 3rd time, had to move in with my wife’s parents. Finally got a job…making OK money…and in production…and that’s where my oxycontin habit began to form…I could afford something stronger now that I had a little money…and needed something better than lortabs/perc/etc.
At first…took them, 1/4 at a time…orally. BOY did I have energy at work…then that began to not work as well…and I’d take a 1/2…woot I thought…
Then I was told to try snorting them. "nah" I thought to myself…I’m ok with just taking them.
Until the day came when I got a razor blade and a $20 bill rolled up…and found myself chopping up a 1/2 to snort.
WOW..there it was, the high I had been waiting on. It was nearly instant, and boy was it good. Shit the rush…was phenomenal. And the more of this I did….the less of "ME" there was around, and people were seeing the "high" me. Living with the inlaws…instead of a polite person..they saw an unappreciative addict who was always looking for some money…and going places alone, and leaving for a pack of cigs at strange time of the night…
There was nothing transparent about my behavior. And how dare my wife question where I was going!! Was I having an affair? Not with a woman…but rather, with a pill…and I wanted to have the best of both worlds. To live, bill and responsibility-free, and to have my family without paying the price for things I was doing. This didn’t last long..and my wife had enough again. Except this time, she was tired…tired of trying, tired of lies…tired of dealing with a dishonest person who nobody liked to be around. Tired of not knowing when I was going to be out of pills and ill, and fly off the handle at her, or the kids…
I was put out..and forced to come back to my house..the only thing that I still had left..and that was paid for. No power, no water…and nothing here to eat…but here I was. Was my wife going to come too? No. I needed to prove myself if I wanted her …and to me, that was too much work. I had pills, and a job..and I could do it by myself.
The we made the decision one day to divorce. It crushed me when she said the words…I was devastated…but show it? NEVER. Not with pills by my side. This was sure to lead to my self destruction…in life as a whole. And I knew that, but I didn’t care. I would just die high.
I didn’t give a fuck anymore. I got a POS computer, and found the internet again…and somehow hooked up with this girl from about an hour away. And slowly she started staying here more and more. And guess what…she had good credit!!
I was back in action, and taking the little small round oxys …roxycodone or whatever they are..and snorting them. 80mg oxys became more regular…and just before Christmas, I lost this job too. Went to work and took xanax and was caught sleeping on the job…
Just after Christmas, I told this girl my habit. My ‘wife’ and I were still married, technically…but we had gotten divorce papers ready, and actually I was the last signature needed to get them filed. And also, my part of the $1000 needed to be paid. New girl wanted me to hurry and get the divorce done…high me wanted to put it off..hanging on to whatever I could..
This was when Suboxone found it’s way into my vocabulary. At first…I was told there was this drug you could take just once or twice a day that would make withdrawals go away….to myself I thought "NO WAY IN HELL"…
I told myself I was different and this drug wouldn’t work on me. So I kept getting pills.
Finally I had to do something. The up and down rollercoaster was too much for this girl…and my wife was watching me wither away into a skeleton. I looked HORRIBLE. (and I still have a photo from this time period to remind myself)…
I decided to call about Suboxone. It sounded great, but did it REALLY work?
I talked to the psychiatrist at the clinic where I got my first Suboxone from.
She said I was a good candidate for the Sub program. Told me the costs, requirements, etc.
Start appointment ..the soonest, was 3 weeks away. So I had 3 weeks of getting high remaining. Quit until then? NO WAY…I wouldn’t make it. So I kept taking pills..snorting oxy..etc until 2 days before time to go in.
Then..2 days before appt time…I had to quit. Oh God…how much misery that was.
For two days, I scalded myself with showers..and sweated like a horse. And sat on the toilet. It was awful.
FINALLY..the morning came when it was time to go. I got there at 7am..tests, bloodwork…was checked and made sure I was in withdrawals…
took ALL damn day. FINALLY saw the doctor. He talked a bit, then wrote a script..and sent me to go get it. And was told not to touch the meds until I came back and saw him…
Damn, how much harder does it have to be…I have to go leave the clinic..wait on pharmacy..pick up meds..and drive back with this miracle in a pill…while I feel like shit..and I can’t touch it???
I followed the rules..and 2 hours later, I was seeing the doctor again. He took the bottle, opened it, and broke a pill in half…told me to place it under my tongue and hold it there. And we sat there while I did it. Ok…I remember the taste..and waiting…waiting for what felt like an eternity. Five minutes later..after I placed it in my mouth..he asked what I felt. I told him I couldn’t tell much difference, still had chills..so he gave me the other half. Did the same with it. 10 minutes later…asked what I felt…and that was when I felt this rush of warm…"life" is the only way I can describe it …flowing into me. I felt like I had calmed the withdrawals with opiates again..but this time there wasn’t the euphoria with it. I just felt NORMAL. He told me he wanted me to take another 1/4 to get me above a certain level..and that would be my daily dosage. 1 1/4 a day. This was also on a friday..so I had a weekend of being normal to look forward to.
What I wasn’t told about was the emotions that would also return to normal…I started realizing what I was doing..living with some girl…keeping my wife hanging on by not signing papers…I had even cheated on this new girl with my wife…because I couldn’t make myself sleep with the new girl anymore. Once we got past Christmas, I would sleep on the couch, and for 4 months, I didn’t touch the girl that lived in my house…but my wife came over a couple times..really late…while this girl was gone for the weekend visiting her mom. Having my wife again was like…wow…
And I could tell she hadn’t been with anyone else…but I hated myself..because I had. Once I got sober..all this emotion flooded back into my brain. Things I was staying high to keep from facing….there it all was…waiting on me to deal with it.
Not only that, I had a family reunion coming up..and needed a way to get to Mississippi…and my wife was the only means of going that I had …so I asked her if I could use her car one weekend when she was off work…to get to my family.
This was 3 weeks into my Sub treatment. I had to miss an appointment because of money…didn’t have it, had ruined this new girls credit in just 5 months …and couldn’t get into treatment. So I was forced to go back to opiates for a week…AGAIN. Then, the week of the trip…I had some money to get to Sub clinic..and got another week of Suboxone…I was going to make it to family reunion, and I was going to be "clean"…
I was supposed to be taking my kids..my wife was going to stay with her mom..and new girl was going to her moms for the weekend. My wife and I had already been "together" twice before this reunion…and she wanted to see me clean..and she hinted around about going to Mississippi with me. I was all for it…we would be like a family again…and maybe this was my chance to get her back. So we packed up on that Friday after my Sub appt..in the wifes car. was leaving my house, taking the wife back to her mom’s supposedly to drop her off..and leaving for Mississippi. But that didn’t work out that way…we left my house…for the open road. I was not in withdrawals…I was feeling good…and was thinking clearly. Wife and I talked a LOT during the drive (6 hours on road). We talked about the past…things I had said and done…She saw emotions and things she hadn’t seen in me in years…and I think that’s what convinced her…
I dreaded the end of the trip..because I had to come back to "this life"…without my wife at home..without my kids…and WITH this girl that I didnt like, or love.
And when I finally came home…my wife stayed the night on Sunday..because the girl wasn’t going to be back here until Monday evening. I told my wife that next morning to just stay…stay here. That if she would go to work…she could come home after work and I would have the girl and her things gone by the time she got here. Her answer was "we’ll see"….
she told me to do what I wanted to do…and let her know…and then she would decide what she was going to do.
Thought I was dreaming..was my wife going to come back home?!?!?! I waited..and shortly after my wife left for work at 2:30 that monday evening…here comes this girl that I had ruined…and I was sitting on the porch when she pulled up.
She got out and walked up to the porch..and I stopped her…and said "we need to talk"
She started out by saying "misty went with you this weekend, didn’t she?"
So I said all the things I needed to say…and she packed up and left. And at 11pm, my wife came up the drive..just like I had hoped for. And things slowly began to get back to normal…as normal as they could be with everything that had happened. I wanted to forget the things I had done with someone else…
Long story..but remembering it is what helps me stay on the path that I’ve chosen. The grass isn’t greener on the other side…..especially when you’re with someone you’ve loved since 18 years of age…and were both each others firsts…
My wife and I have something special…in that neither of us had been with anyone when we hooked up…and we made it through ALL this shit that I’ve done…but look where I am now.
