Author: invisiblemovement
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 12:52 pm
Aww you guys thanks!! I love you all, lol. I really thoughts no one cared about this thread lol
A help kit and emergency list, haha that is great!! I keep saying I need to do that too! Ha we are like… those prepper people LOL.. u know those people that hoard for doomsday? We are prepping for our own doomsday, lol… but I guess I should be thinking of it more like a Happy Days not a doomsday. Like seasonasdad says, you don’t realize how easy life is until you are off the drugs and I honestly believe that. Subs stress me out so much and take up way too much thinking time during the day. It’s like I have gotten into this habit of thinking in which I think I need my dose to operate. And then you know what happens? When my dose wears off, I end up not functioning as well, because I honestly believe that I can’t. I end up thinking about my dose, how much I should take, oh shit is that a cop, he’s going to find the sub in my purse, can those people tell I’m high? Just stupid things. Our bodies were built to take on the world, we have evolved to be these great creatures, I don’t need to fill it with drugs. They will only slow me down. Especially my brain. If I’m high watching the clouds go by, I’m not doing as much work as I should be doing. Although I would be lieing if I didn’t say, that many times sub really puts me in the mood to doing things. It would be better to train myself how to get motivated to do my work without drugs. I just want to be proud of MYSELF, instead of being proud of the drugs. I want to know that I accomplished these things all by myself, Look how awesome I am, I did a good job. Rather than thinking, "hehe, this sub has made me powerful and unable to feel pain so I get all this work done all day!" That is totally different. I am worshiping the sub instead of myself (or God, which is what it should be. He’s the one that made me. If you guy’s done believe in God, well, I suppose if anything be happy for Nature for evolving to create such a beautiful human body and brain that you are blessed to inhabit). And what do I do with this miraculous gift from God/Nature? I poison it with drugs! I try to escape my mind, rather than being thankful for even having a mind! If I was told I would die at the end of the day, I would say, "No! But, I like me! I don’t want to leave me!" I mean yeah sometimes I get depressed and for a split second wish I could just die to leave all of this life behind, but really, in the end, I don’t want to leave myself. I love myself so much and I’m going to miss my body when I leave (die). I don’t know any truths about this world, if my spirit will go on to another life and I will still be with myself and know myself, or if even if I do get to go on to another life or afterlife, will I still be the same person inside? What if I’m different? I like me the way I am, I don’t want to leave. Anyways, my point is, since I would be sad if I had to leave my body today, I should be thankful for even having a life, instead of always trying to change my perspective and change the way I feel with drugs. If I was thankful for having a life at all, I would be so happy that I wouldn’t need drugs.
Well, this is the kind of stuff I think about to stay positive about my jump.
I totally know what you mean by a health kit. I have a desk drawer full of vitamins and medications like a woman’s ultimate vitamin, immodium, naproxen, excedrin (not sure if I should use the caffeine though), magnesium, valerian, 5-htp, L-tyrosine, and tomorrow I’m getting some somas. Not sure if the somas will make withdraw worse like how flexerol makes withdraws worse, but I don’t think so. I just want it to help get to sleep. But I really want to try and not use any of it. I want to get my vitamins from food and learn to sleep without medication and just use naproxen for pain and it helps me relax to go to sleep. Well, and I’ll certainly need the immodium. And the 5-htp is good for depression/anxiety but sometimes it can make you sleepy and I don’t want that if I’m already a turtle, so we’ll see.
I totally also wanted an emergency list! Like, I had this idea, that whenever I get anxious or depressed while on sub, to write down what helps me get out of my funk, and then consult my journal when I feel those feelings, or make a video diary and put them in folders on my computer marked, like "ways to remember life is worth living sober", or, "watch when you think you need a dose", or, "depression is good" to remind me that I like being depressed sometimes because, well for one, for once my mind isn’t racing with anxiety, and 2, it feels good to get my emotions out and cry. I would love to hear your tips if you can share them, JByrd.
Yeah yeah yeah it looks like I’m overthinking all this stuff again, but you know what, I’ve smartened up a little and have learned that when you are stuck in a moment, like stuck in anxiety, it’s hard to get out of it unless you know what to do. So I’m writing up a plan. It’s good to plan ahead. I like to plan for success. I want to think of all the stops and figure out ways to get passed each imagainable obstacle. Will thinking about these obstacles make them appear during withdraws? Maybe. But I’m willing to take that chance to make the plans. That’s just the way I am. If I don’t plan ahead, I worry about the future. I can’t really change that about me in the next 19 days. So, instead, if I plan for each obstacle, then if they come, I’m not scared of them, because I know (roughly) what to do.
