Author: tearj3rker
Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:26 pm
Yeah it’s a hard one to grapple – when to break the history to someone you’re dating / involved with. They do need to know at some stage. I think there’s no hard and fast answer, because it depends a LOT on the person you’re seeing. You can get a vibe early on, based on their personality, of how accepting they will be of your being in recovery.
It’s strange, but I think as recovering addicts, we are often attracted to people who’ve come up against some kind of adversity in life, even if we don’t know it at the time. You can kind of tell by one’s personality and wisdom whether they’ve had their own life changing experiences that will create a mutual understanding. Ie – When everything a person talks about is superficial and material, it’s a sign for me they haven’t had something shake up their world like we have. And in my experience, they’re the ones least accepting of a history like our own.
On the other hand, I don’t think it’s good for us folk to just be happy with anyone who will accept us and our past. There were two times when I started seeing someone, and on the first date we both put our own histories / insecurities on the table straight up, because we kinda ‘knew’ that we were both messy. Both times it was a relief to find someone as damaged as myself, so we hooked up. And both times we ended up fucking each other up more. Nowadays I’m CAREFUL of that. Anyone I feel comfortable blurting my history out to on a first date = caution.
These days I only consider telling someone if it’s obvious we both like each other. And even then I’d wait until the moment where we both feel comfortable putting our baggage on the table. That time usually comes along at some point, as usually I’m attracted to those that have their own baggage as well. ‘like attracts like’ kinda thing. If that time doesn’t come I try to wait until there’s some feelings invested in each other – enough to make her see beyond my past. But there’s only so long a guy can stay ‘mysterious’ before it gets frustrating.
12-step groups have this idea that you MUST stay out of relationships in early recovery. This makes sense if you’re hanging around other addicts, as they are. But IMO one of the best things for a person’s recovery can be finding someone who is a happy, loving, understanding and healthy partner. Whether they have a ‘history’ like our own doesn’t matter as much as how stable they are. The relationships we have mould who we are and if we settle for someone unhealthy, we move backwards. If we work a bit harder to find someone that’s better, loving them and being loved can be healing for each other. Even if the relationship dissolves, we’re often better people for it.
Places to meet? I was reading an article the other day saying online dating is the second most common way of meeting people these days after being introduced by friends. I’m not a big fan of the idea, but my qualms are mainly philosophical. Plus I knew SO MANY people in NA who were hooked on those sites at unhealthy levels. IMO it’d be best to get out more, go to lectures / book launches / classes / exercise groups. There are online sites that organise social groups / outings – like weekly scrabble / chess / coffee groups, Zumba and all that stuff.
Walking a dog is a good way to meet people if you like walking.
Good luck!
