Author: Goinstrong
Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:25 am
Hi Unlucky1 and welcome to the forum. I read and re-read your post twice. I am so sorry that you are going through what you are going through.
There are so many things to address in your post, I am not sure that I will keep this all in order, but I’ll try.
First of all, YOU are not a bad mother. You are not a bad person. You are an addict. There is a member on here who has this written under their signature "Our character defects do not define who we are". I wholeheartedly believe that. Just because you take pills, that does not mean that you are a bad person or mother. It will take some time for you to accept and understand that. It took me about six months to grasp it and believe it about myself. I can tell just from reading your post that you have been through a lot and your self esteem has suffered for it. That is ok and its actually quite common when a woman or man, comes from an abusive relationship. That is something that is going to take time to repair. The suboxone will help keep you out of withdrawal and keep any cravings at bay, so that you can work on these things.
Ok, feeling guilty about needing pills to function and take care of your children is normal. I have been there and there are a couple of other mommies on here that are actively posting that will more than likely chime in too. I used to have to get up every morning and take a bunch of pills before I could even wake them up. I understand completely. I also did the overindulgence thing for a while. But where I am at now, I just overindulge my son with love. I lost custody of my two daughters and that tears me apart every single day. That’s another story though. However it makes me appreciate these years with my 17 month old son so much more.
I totally understand the not spending money on yourself!!! I am the same way. I don’t know that that will change much. I just prefer spending money on my son, it makes me happy to make other people happy. That is more of a reward for me then buying stuff for myself. I do, however, get pedicures, and take care of my hair and stuff. Hopefully this surgery will help some with the self esteem, like you said. I think it was a wise move on your part to wait to start suboxone until after this surgery. So don’t sweat that. Though I do think the sooner you get induced, the better. You are going to be surprised at just how much better you feel after you begin your suboxone therapy.
OK, onto the dpression and anxiety. You absolutely will have to deal with all of these things that are causing you anxiety and depression. Do you have a therapist? IF not, I would reccommend getting one lined up. I have been told the same thing about being a strong person. Almost to the point that I feel like it isn’t ok for me to have a hard time with anything. You are right in assuming that you have been numb for so long. All of these emotions ar going to start coming out. Though, don’t be afraid of them, they are normal, and again, the suboxone helped me a lot with that. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. You don’t have to deal with everything all at once. Get stabilized on the suboxone, and then when you are ready, start to deal with things one at a time. There is no time limit on it. You have all the time you need. You can also post on the forum in addition to therapy, and we will all be here to help you and support you in any way that we can.
When your children hug you and tell you that you are the best mommy in the world, it isn’t because you are taking pills to help yourself take care of them. It is because you are a great mom. They know that they are loved and that in itself tells me that you are doing a wonderful job as a mother. I am a single mother too and I know just how hard it can be at times. I think sometimes about getting into a relationship and then I think "for what?" I don’t need it. It isn’t that you don’t deserve to be loved. Because you absolutely do. One day you will agree. But for now, I do think that it is best to stay single and work on you. You are the most important person right now. If you dont take care of yourself, noone else will. Your kids need you and deserve you. A partner will not make you happy right now. No, you wouldn’t be alone, but if you don’t love yourself, you are not ever going to be able to feel that you are loved by someone else.
You don’t have to apologize for such a long post!! LOL! It’s good to have information about you, that way we can beter support you. You are going to find that this is a very supportive forum. It does slow down a little in the summer so dont get too bummed if it takes a little while for you to get all the responses you need or hope for. OK? I’ve noticed a lot of forums do that on the internet.
So, I hope I covered everything. Again, I had a lot going through my mind while reading that. Have a good day, and remember, we are here if you need us, even if it is just to vent!!! OH, one more time….WELCOME!!!