Author: TeeJay
Posted: Wed May 01, 2013 3:29 am
Got kicked out of rehab for "turning up with too many drugs in my body". Apparently I was breathing once every 25 seconds. I don’t get it. Once upon a time it was normal to want to have one last hoorah before going in?
Nahh that wasn’t just the case. After that incident, the doctor questioned my committment to the rehab… and over the next couple of days of doing some groups and stuff I decided it wasn’t for me. Not because I wanted to use (which I did as an addict but that’s not the reason for leaving) … just because I’ve done it all before. I’ve done all the groups before, I’ve done all those breathing groups, those mindfulness, those morning walks and challening of behaviours. 3-4 years ago I woulda done LOTS of rehabs, short and long term. I don’t wanna sound like a know-it-all, if anything more of a cynic. I just felt quite depressed and I felt like I’d somewhat moved "backwards" by being in there, when I’d spent a good part of the last 2-3 years (a) out of rehab (b) employed and studying and doing really well on Subxone. The whole time I was thinking "another 37 days of this" stuck in this grey lil 3rd floor hospital ward?
So at this stage no I’m not going back on Suboxone just yet. I am (gasp) going on a low dose of methadone. This will leave the door open to do Ibogaine (which looks more and more like it’s going to happen) while at the same time not making it too difficult to return to Suboxone.
With the Ibogaine… To be honest I’m quite scared of the whole thing … the concern it might induce bipolar etc … but at this stage I gotta weigh up risks. I’m a nearly 30 year old heroin addict with a habit that’s recently quadrupled in size, I’m back living at my mother’s house after relations witih a housemate dissolved … I’m not studying, but I’m working at least … I also have the most fatal mental illness around . I just been kicked outta hospital .. I don’t have much to lose! People may say "what about your life"? But a life continuation of what has been isn’t much. Drastic measures…
So back to methadone we go. Where I’m from, methadone and Suboxone aren’t that different. Both patients line up in the same queue, have the same little books and see the same doctors. BUT (all goes to plan) I will only be on methadone for 3-4 weeks anyway while my body purges itself more of the Suboxone…
Fuck this life thing eh??!