Author: TeeJay

Posted: Sun May 26, 2013 8:38 am

Hey guys…

I’m toying with the idea of going to rehab. There’s a few reasons why I’m considering shelving my Suboxone treatment and going the complete abstinence route.. It seems that since my relapse, Suboxone hasn’t been holding my cravings like it did beforehand, likely because I pushed the envelope and my habit increased a lot these last few months. I’m also more prone to Sub’s side-effects. Even being on the same dose as before, I feel like my testosterone levels are low as fuck. I just don’t seem to care about sex, like there’s no interest. And I know the Sub is a factor because when I miss a dose, I start to feel normal again.

The rehabs I’m looking at are therapeutic communities. They’re a cross between boot-camp and rehab really, and last for between 6 and 18 months. Residents have to work, cook, clean and manage the facility. Residents are also expected to challenge other’s negative behaviours. It can get full-on, and it’s not uncommon for all residents to be woken up at 3am for emergency house meetings, or to be made to clean toilets. If you leave your coffee cup lying around and another resident catches you and lags you in, you gotta write pages on some topic like "Why is self-responsibility important to my recovery" etc etc. You’re also forced to lag in other residents … if the staff / seniors feel you’re not holding your peers accountable, you can get booted from the program.

If I choose to go, I’ll be put on an 8-week taper starting from the time I arrive. People on drug-replacement aren’t treated with kiddy-gloves either. I’ll have to work hard just like all the other residents even during detox.

Reason I’m considering putting myself through the mill like that is because I really want to, or even need to get off opioids. I can’t stay on Suboxone for life. It’s too numbing. Having experienced recovery without Sub or methadone, I know how it feels to be clean and free of dependence of any kind. I have done a long-term rehab like that before, and only managed to stay clean 13 months. However, that time I made the mistake of going off my psych medication. I then went paranoid at around 1 year clean, and turned back to drugs within a few weeks. I’ve now reached some peace about the fact I’m bipolar, and need medication long-term.

What’s holding me back from going to rehab is the fact that I feel a bit like I’ve been there done that. I don’t really know if it’s a step backwards or a step forwards. I’m nearly 30, and don’t want to spend 18 months in rehab that I could be spending studying at uni. But I also don’t feel yet like I’m ready to return to uni either.

But there’s also a sense of hope in the idea that I can use rehab as a fresh start. I’d sell most of my remaining possessions to pay off the debt I accrued, and use rehab as an opportunity to have a fresh start at 30 years old.

Anyway, it’d be good to get some kinda guidance or just your opinions on this … especially from those who’ve faced a similar choice in their recovery in the past.

Thanks.