The situation you are in is almost the same that my now ex-girlfriend and I went through; however, my addiction never let me save up enough money to buy a ring, let alone pay for a wedding. Yet, while I read your story all I could do was hear her voice as if she was writing it, so I though I might try to shed some light from the other side for you.

We were together for just over 5 years and almost from the very beginning I was using pills. For 5 years, 4 ½ of which we lived together, I hid this horrible secret from her by any means necessary. Lying was something I was already good at, but by the time the end came I was so good sometimes I even fooled myself into believing it. Lies were made up to backup other lies and the lies before that, and each lie added to the anxiety and stress I felt as I continually chased that illusive high that was as good as the my first. Lying became such a natural process that sometimes I would lie when there was no reason to lie; however, once you tell a lie you can’t let anyone know it’s a lie because then they will suspect you’re possibly lying about other things, which at this point would lead to self-destruction.

There comes a point in every addict’s life when everything they do is centered on using and at this point the addictive brain goes into survival mode, which means do whatever necessary to continue using no matter who you hurt. I personally thought that my lies were protecting the one person I loved more than anything on this earth and the only person I was hurting by using was me, but that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I realize now that this self-centered thought process was my addiction doing everything it could to survive by rationalizing even the most ridiculous and irrational thoughts and behaviors.

The longer we remain addicted, the more this self-centered addictive thinking becomes the only way we know how to live, the more difficult it becomes to changes this way of thinking when we finally decide that we have had enough; however, without some sort of recovery program geared toward changing the way we think, an addict is more likely to return to doing what they do best, being an addict.

This is where suboxone (subs), when used in the correct manner, can help tremendously. For many people on subs it helps to keep away withdrawal symptoms, reduce, if not eliminate, cravings, as well as block the effects of opioids that an addict is seeking, giving them the opportunity to work on their recovery. Subs do not equal recovery; however, subs combined with a recovery program that includes, but not limited to: intensive outpatient programs, one-on-one therapy/counseling, group therapy, NA/AA, relapse prevention therapy, couples therapy, physical fitness/wellbeing, spiritual renewal, etc., can help an addict break the cycle of addiction by allowing them to not only find helpful and productive ways of coping with the stress and anxiety of everyday life, not to mention the void left by their addiction, as well as develop a strong, loving, and reliable support system. I personally believe that the more tools you have in your toolbox, the more likely you are going to have the right one when a problem arises, and in the case of addiction knowledge of your self, your disease, and your options are your tools.

For some people though subs are seen as a magic cure for addiction, and they go about their lives as best they can, but they don’t really fix any of the problems or issues that caused them to use in the first place. They not only still hang out with the same people at the same places as well as continue the same self-centered thinking that got them in this mess in the first place, but think because they have stopped using their drug of choice that they are somehow able to control their use of other drugs. Cross addiction is real, and filling the void left by your DOC with something else is only starting the cycle of addiction in motion once again. Don’t get me wrong, there are some people out there who are able to make this approach work for them, but from what I have learned the odds are greatly stacked against them.

The best advice I can give you is to sit him down and ask him what his recovery plan is. Do you know that he goes to group/individual sessions for sure? Ask if you could go come to an individual session, or if he could allow you to talk with his treating physician or psychiatrist as well as his counselors. Try to become involved but beware that there is a fine line between supportive and enabling, which is why seeing a counselor or therapist by yourself might help. Also try to understand that old habits die hard but one thing I have learned about change is that you have to recognize what needs to be changed in order to change it, so maybe talk to him about how you feel (couples therapy may help).

Overall, it is important that you do what is best for you and your kids. I know that I am going to get jumped on about this cause I can’t site my source, but children who grow up in homes where active addiction is prevalent are more likely to become addicts themselves.