Author: TeeJay
Posted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:43 pm
Things are settling, finally. I’ve been on the Suboxone straight these last few days without mishap, without running back to the dealers. I’m still waking up in a pool of sweat at 5am each morning, but it is getting better. And the depression that’s marred the best part of this year seems to have lifted somewhat. Words are coming to me with some ease, and today I can actually say that there’s some positivity behind me, hence this post.
I’ve been trying to make some sense of what happened, what threw me off the rails. I’d say without much doubt that my bipolar played a big role in my undoing. Towards the end of last year, my depression treatment just stopped working. With that came a lot of fear, and a sense of impending doom because part of me knew from past experience that when I lose the will to live, I give myself willingly over to my addiction. I don’t know how much people have been following my story, but there was a period of panic before I picked up when my doctor and I started experimenting with some oldschool tricyclic depression treatments to see if it could address my depression without tipping me into mania. The chlomipramine definitely lifted me out of the depression, but with it came the wrecklessness and poor decision making that comes with me going manic. It was then I thought it’d be a healthy, character building idea to start going out with a heroin dealer, and give myself over to that world completely.
I actually can’t remember a good 1-2 months of this year. It was a real haze of benzos, heroin, and IV use of Unisom gel-caps. Friends tell me I was just constantly wasted, and was constantly avoiding their invitations to go out. I remember ripping myself off that anti-depressant in a brief moment of clarity, only to get incredibly physically sick from its own withdrawal process. I lost over 10kg’s from my frame, and was too physically ill to even score and use drugs. But when those symptoms eased, I was back to using full-bore. At one stage in the chaos I begged my Subox prescribing doctor to admit me to his rehab, and he agreed I was in dire need of help. However I continued to use in there and was discharged after 4 days. It was a lost opportunity to exit that self-destructive cycle I’d given myself over to, and I have some regret about it still now.
But just for today, I’m clean on Suboxone, and capable of moving forward. I still got my faculties, I think. They’re still there somewhere. There’s been some damage done, but what’s done is done and I can only move forward and allow my body to repair as best it can. Enough typing for now.
Cheers.