Author: Jeaner

Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:17 pm

Ive been lurking and reading on this site for the last couple days….I really dont know what to think right now i am day 5 no subs & today I feel like crap which i knew was going to happen but i keep thinking about who i really am???? Ive been an addict for 13 yrs & ive been with my b/f for 12yrs. He is an amazing person he takes such good care of me and has supported me through everything ive been thru well when he found out about my addiction I never told him he found out and then i lied to his face with my script for subs sitting right in front of me & him that he found in the trash…..for 1 full year i went to the methadone clinic everyday and he didnt know i am not sure how i did that but i did and then my sis finally found me a sub dr and i hid that for another year until he found my scripts in the trash….i didnt know how to tell him, we had only been living together for a few years so i was afraid that he may want my daughter and me to leave because of it. But I was totally wrong should’ve been honest with him up front & told him he was moving in with an addict but I was embarrassed & very ashamed…..Not many people know about my dirty little secret my mom and dad no nothing & I cant tell them they wouldnt understand……So I am wondering does my b/f really no the REAL me?? i dont even no the real me anymore….I dont remember the real me its been so long and ive put all this crap in my body to feel normal for so long I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT NORMAL FEELS LIKE….Normal is this feeling dead inside becuz i feel dead inside right now and i shouldnt!!!! I am wondering will I ever b ok???? Sorry just rambling I dont know what else to do other then to come to this forum and read and write!!!!!