Author: Donechasing
Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:18 am
Hello, I am new to this site.
I am 45, male, and used "regularly as opposed to chipping" oxycodone for some 5 years, with a normal load of 180 mg daily.
Due to a legal problem (turned in a forged script) I quit the oxy in October of 2012, and tried to get through the holidays on a smaller dose of vicodin/hydrocodone.
Started outpatient detox around December 1, and thus suboxone at 8mg per day, though I am allowed 12.
I want to stop it as I don’t feel human while I am on it. I feel emotinally flatlined, no laughing, no crying, and though I make myself perform duties around the house, I have to make myself do it or I’ll just lay and feel lifeless.
I know that at 3 months, I have already assembled a dependancy to this, just as the other, but I guess since I don’t get the happy feeling from this like I did the oxy, should I suffer as badly when I go off it?
The holidays were miserable, as I felt like the suboxone keeps me confused, numb, and just generic from a personality perspective.
While I tried detoxing from the oxy on a permanent basis (many times had gone through the monthly script in 10 days and therefore completed a detox shortterm many times over) I got so depressed, couldn’t come up with one positive thought or emotion, and simply would consume myself with every negative emotion, regret and circumstance from my past.
I want out of this self-made prison. I know DR. J says some are destined to use and be maintained on sub, and while I have my own opinion personally in regards to myself and my situation that is different, I just want to enjoy life on life’s terms again. I am ready to bail out, and cut my daily dose from 8 yesterday to 4 today, would like to try doing 1/2 of yesterday’s dose until there is such a small fragment of film left I can’t find it to take. Anybody try this and make it?
I am a stay-at-home father, many times by myself throughout the day, and I know this contributed to my use. I also have a shot lumbar with degenerative disc disease and an injury, so the pain was my route in. Now I no longer have legal access to drugs other than the sub as detox medication. I also am college degreed electrical engineer with honors, that wants to restore my career, my vitality, and drive to get out of bed everyday. Right now, while stable on sub, I feel like I’d just like to sleep the whole day away, everyday. I still have my loving wife and adorable 7 year old son, sticking by me. I want to stop all this mind-warping stuff and move on. I realize looking back now that my use created an anti-social complacent derelict that couldn’t have possibly held a job from the binges and dryouts I used to live. I am ready to take one more slump to get through it and come out clean. Then I want to reestablish my self-esteem which is currently zero and get on with life.
Could a clean sub survivor with similar situations pls yield some advice?
Thanks
DC