Author: gaulois

Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:56 pm

I am unfortunately back on sub- but it is my own inability to cope, and no one, or nothing else responsible.

In 2010 I was ill from 4 years of suboxone- semi low doses- 4-6mgs/day. I thought I would die I was so tired. No matter which way I took sub 1/day, 2/day 3/day- felt horrible in the a.m, once the sub ling dose, felt a bit better, but just exhausted.
Then!!! I had a brilliant idea! If I am going to be on maintenance treatment…might as well go with a full agonist..right?
So I signed up at the clinic in Pee-rine (those of you that know South Miami). I felt a little the first day, felt better, and then
about a week or so later started feeling even sicker and could barely get to my car in the am to get to the clinic.
Basically I was screwed. I did not want to live anymore. I knew that in order to get back on sub, I would have to go into Methadone withdrawal before taking a dose.. at least a couple of weeks. I did not want precip withdrawal. I just gave up.
I could not go back to that clinic. I had only been on the ‘done for a month. I first decided to go through the w/d, and go back on sub.. but then.. I wanted out of everything. Most of my life had been opiate free. I did it. 2 weeks into w/d I contacted a lady that does underground- a nurse and very prof. and serious. Required EKG and blood prior to Ibogaine. By the time I would take the Ibogaine I would be 3 weeks off of the Methadone, and 1month 3 weeks off of Methadone- You cannot get Ibogaine tx until off sub for approx 3-4weeks.
For those of you that said "enjoy the trip!". Think about that a little. If you are a true opiate addict in w/d the last thing you want to do is to trip. At least all junkies I know shudder at the thought. I experimented with various halucinogens when I was young, but nothing for like 25-28yrs. I was terrified.
Let me tell you something little brothers and sisters- Ibogaine tx is not for the faint of heart and no fun way to detox. Its purpose is primarily the metabolite Nor-Ibogaine that has affinity for mu. The Ibogaine itself has an affinity for everything.
You have to be off of any SSRIs(anti dep) or really any med other than a benzo, or you risk problems. This lady was very serious- as I said.
The trip part initially was interesting.. with some visuals… but wham! and not a fun wham. Some have visions etc. I had my whole life reviewed in this FF type of way with a horrible buzzing sound. Auditory distortion and halucination is crazy- I did not like any of it. Even though I did not like it- it was not like freaking out on LSD. In a strange sort of way you have control. You are also asleep- read up on the particulars-v.interesting. Did I feel I was taking a risk? Sort of- but as I said
I had total confidence in the provider- paramount. The next day I felt horrible. Not withdrawal horrible but like a horrible hangover. Each day got better. Within 3 days I was ready to fly back to MIA. I was still v. tired.
Results: Yes it did provide that window. I was still tired but had no desire to use. A month later I was walking and riding my bike. And in 3 weeks I was sailing once again. Racing Lazers.
It did work for me. That once. I slowed down on my meetings… got out of any sort of spiritual routine I was in… and something happened with a girl/woman. That was it. That is how serious changing your life after you stop is. I did not develop any good coping methods. On sub? I did not bother b/c I was numbed.
I have been caring for my mother as well, and about that time of the slip she began going downhill. She was very old.
I did not stay on regular opiates long- went back on sub because I needed opiate stability. I had to take care of things
and could not go through craving once having used again.
Ibogaine gives about a 2 month window. For me a bit more. Take advantage of this and get a plan in place. Purpose and plan and hope- otherwise you are flirting with going back.
Now? The honeymoon phase of sub is over and I am feeling sickish again. I want to stop but each time I cut I feel the terror of w/d come on.. it sucks.
Now I am scared to do Ibogaine again.