Author: Thegreatestislove
Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:26 am
Thanks to all who sent resposes to my message. To the moderators…………I understand that your goal is to help run this site and to keep it going and also to keep people out who are badgering others, which is a great thing. However I also have a name for you guys (THE GOONIES) LOL! No disrespect intended at all. I just feel that a lot of the things some of you guys post are intended to scare or turn people back to the subs. However you want to word that statement.?.?.
To have a post at the bottom of the page that states Giving up would be the easiest thing to do, but to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, That is true strength! Then to tell me to gain patience and go backwards back to the subs to me that would feel like Giving up! That is just how I feel at this point. I am on day Four. It is not the easiest and I do not feel Fabulous, but I am a 32 year old woman. When am I ever going to feel Fabulous? Never, Right. Maybe somedays will be great and I will feel really good once I get through this sub withdrawal, but I have no fantasies that I am going to feel as good as I did with Mommas little helper ever again. That only lasted a short time in itself. By Mommas little helper I mean OPIATES. Opiates of any kind whether full agonists or partial like the subs. They all start out great then within a couple years they show you what they are really doing to you. They let ya down. and I mean WAYYYY DOWN. I got so depressed tapering the subs I thought I was going to lose my mind literally. Thinking in micrograms yatta yatta yatta! Yeah, I couldve givin that a go, but in the state of mind I was in I felt it best to LET GO.
My Psychiatrist actually said those exact words to me, JUST LET IT GO! The day she said that I thought OH Mother of Pearl, I cannot do that. Geez at the time I was still on 4mg a day. I told her I was’nt ready, that I was scared. She told me she would keep me on them for a little longer to give me time to get my courage and to realize I CAN instead of thinking I CAN"T. I quit four days ago with 2 8mg strips in my purse and twelve at the pharmacy. I thought about doing the liquid taper, I thought about getting one of my husbands carpenter knives and making tiny little pieces. I thought about all of that and I lost it…. I just lost my crap, I cried all day long. I was ready to go to rehab. I even called set it up and got my Dads credit card to pay for it. I texted my Husband and told him what I was feeling and thats when he said the magic words, "When you REALLY want something in life you just LEAP!" The next morning I woke up and told my Husband OK I am done. Today makes day 4 like I said. Does it stink YEP, am I still able to type this message YEP! Everybody is different and everyone heals at different rates. Most of it I believe is a mind game. As I sit here with sweat rolling down my body that stinks and I HATE to stink. Don’t we all? I just keep telling myself I CAN do this. Tomorrow may be worse, it may be better. IDK. All I can do is keep going forward and not look back.
To make my ultimate point, to anyone else who may come across this post, Don’t let anyone make you feel that you have made the wrong choice. If this is what you really want Go for it. Don’t let anyone convince you to turn around. Stick with the fight. To the people who think going backwards is a better choice, I am sorry, but leading people backwards is not the greatest thing to do. Encourage them. If it is someone who is trying to jump from a ridiculous amount then yes tell them they DO need to taper longer or it will be too much to handle. But for those of us who have tapered down to a tolerable withdrawal amount, please just encourage us to keep pushing through. Honestly at this point I feel it an insult to be told to find patience and go back on the subs. I am fresh out of patience for opiates and that is exactly what suboxone is AN OPIATE and a very strong one at that.
Now to be perfectly CLEAR– Suboxone saved my LIFE! I would be dead or locked up in prison today if it were’nt for sub therapy. Suboxone gave me a chance to put my life back together. I had pushed everyone who really loves me away during my addiction to full agonists. I had started running the streets, sleeping on peoples couches. I had left my whole life behind. I nearly ruined my relationship with my Husband. Thank God He loves me enough that He held on to the little string of hope that I might wake up and see the light. I cannot imagine the pain I put Him through and that is something I can never take back. Suboxone did give me the chance to get my head on straight enough to stabalize my life and get my priorities back in line. I thank my Psychiatrist and Suboxone for that. It cost me out the wazzoo but it was worth every penny to get my life back. Now I have it and it is just my time to let the subs go. They did their job, Now I gotta do mine drug free, opiate free. No more chains. Life is what it is, somedays are great, somedays are terrible. That is just life in general for everyone on this earth. Somedays you feel great, somedays you don’t. Sometimes you feel like a NUT sometimes you DON"T. It’s just life people.