Author: isimplybelieve2

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 6:00 am

Hello,
Although I usually have more time to write in the morning, today I spent a good amount of it becoming a member of this site. So, today’s writing wont be very long. but I feel its an important step for me. As many people thought I never realized I would find myself sneaking off into a corner of the house to join a website and quickly trying to post something without getting caught. Not many people in my circle of life know what I am going through, so it is here that I hope to find the ability to talk. I am in my forties and years ago I had several injuries. I was prescribed pain pills to get me through. Then I had more injuries, thus more pain pills. At first they were not a problem. I took them when I needed them. Then as time went on I had more pain, thus my prescription increased. Somewhere within all that I began to notice that they helped me push through tough times. If I had a project to do on my house I could take a few extra L.T. (I am not sure of the rules and if you can post the name of the pill you took, so I will just abbreviate them). The next thing I knew the project was done. I maintained and continue to maintain a normal life. I train at the gym and am a pretty large bodybuilder. I work a regular job and sometimes a few side jobs. I take care of my house and my family. I don’t blow off activities or work. BUT I have started to take more and more. I spoke with my doctor about me pain a while ago and had my meds changed from LT to OC. At first I felt that it was less peppy and didn’t really like it, BUT if was stronger and the feeling of needing it increased. This continued for a pretty long time, several years. Most recently I could take 200 to 300 mgs in a day and not raise a single suspicion that I was using anything. All of my work got done. I went to the gym. I ate my six square meals and took care of my family. Then I started to think. Is this how I want to live my life? I am going pill to pill. Weekend to be able to take more and really block everything out to the next weekend. Or doctor’s visit to doctor’s visit hoping that my urine would show the right things so I could get my next script. I know how I got here. I had some help from the doctors but it was me that swallowed them. I know I could manage with less but I took more. I started to watch a few of my friends change. My one oldest friend had started using too. The same things just popping here and there, to not being able to stop. The difference is and I am not judging him, he began to lie. He would make plans with me a week in advance and talk about it up to the day before. Then the day of I wouldn’t hear from him. He would owe me money and not pay in full, but have some ridiculous excuse. I saw him grow old and lose weight. I saw the look in his eyes that he needed something and now. Then I thought, that could be me. I was talking to a person that I know from the gym not too long ago about his life and he described his brother in law as a drunk. I thought, what if people know about me? Now Father’s Day is coming and all I can think about is my baby. I have held her as I opened pill bottles and had to move it further away so that she couldn’t touch them. I have had to make sure I didn’t drop them so that she didn’t pick them up. I have realized that I need to move past this. I know I need to. I do not have the kind of job that I can go to meetings. My family would not be a good idea. I know there are only a small handful of people in my life that I can tell. And even them I need to be careful. So here I am. I was able to get a good number of 8 mg strips. I plan on doing this with as little exposure as possible. I know that the mind plays tricks on you, yet sometimes it wins. This time I am determined and posting here is my first step. I made this decision on Saturday. I stopped my pills and took 2mgs sub before bed. I woke up and took 2mgs more. I went to the gym and started to crave. I came home and ate then took 3 mgs before doing housework. Later before bed I took 2mgs more. Today is day TWO. I am going to wrap up this post, eat breakfast, take 2mgs more and go to work. I have a bunch of strips cut up into 1mg pieces. My plan as of now is to move forward and take 1mg anytime I have a craving until I can sit down and log back into this site. I will post more later and hope to be able to read what others are doing.