Author: Goinstrong
Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2012 6:35 am
| RN34 wrote: |
| I have blacked out with my kids at home, have lied, stole money from my husband, stole pills from my mom and the list goes on and on. Only recently could I admit to myself I have a problem as when I stop to think about my addiction I realize it has progressed from Percocet to chewing oxycodone to snorting it and I KNOW that I will eventually end up losing my job and my husband and my kids. I have no family that lives near me and as I said I have no support as I don’t want or know how to talk to my friends about this. I am having a bad mental "addict" brain though on this. I tried yesterday to see how I felt after taking the 2 mg in the morning but of course I needed the second 2 mg late afternoon. Not sure if I really did physically or just mentally. I just started the subs so I am working on dealing with my addiction and reasons why I use but am not even close to working through that yet. My husband WILL leave me if I use again. I plan on being on the subs for a year and then weaning off. |
Hello RN~ At first I read your initial post, and thought just like Lilly and nogroovin. Then I read your second one. If you edit out the "good stuff", it reads like above. Now I tend to lean more towards Orangedoll.
Look, this is a very individual decision for EVERYONE. Suboxone for maintenance, is not just about what dose of what drug
you were on. It is also about what kind of lifestyle you had. It is also about how far your addiction has gone.
It is about damage control. You have blacked out while taking care of your children!!!!! I don’t say that to make you
feel like shit, because I have too. And it is horrible to find out when you come to. I say that because that is an indication
of just how bad your addiction was becoming. And lets face it, it doesn’t progressively get better, it gets worse.
The other thought I had about this was that you are an RN. You are exposed to narcotics on a daily basis. I’m sure
that it’s easy to say "get counseling" or "just don’t take them from work", when you don’t work in that environment.
I don’t work in that environment, but I could say without a doubt, that if I did, I would have eventually done it.
The temptation would have just been too strong. And eventually you will get caught, and you will lose your job.
You said that your husband will eventually leave you, and you will lose your children. I have lost my children. Two
daughters. There is no feeling (that I have ever felt) that can be compared to this. My heart is shattered into
a million pieces. I cry myself to sleep at least 3~4 nights a week. I miss those girls so much. There is not a single
counselor, therapist, or profeesional, that is going to take that feeling away. They just helped me learn how to handle
the feeling. I don’t want to see you lose your children. I have said before that it would be easier to deal with if they
were dead. I would never ever wish for that, but to know that they are alive, and I can’t talk to them, or hug them, or
even LOOK at them, is so hard. So hard.
Look, you have to asess the situation and decide what is best for YOU. YOU are the only person who knows YOU.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t stop taking suboxone until I was good and damn sure that I had this. I would make
sure that I had dealt with every little demon, that leads me to use. I would make sure that I had no more cravings,
and when I did, that I had a rock solid plan of dealing with them. I think that you have too much work to do, too many
things to take care of within yourself, to just get clean with counseling or meetings alone. This is JUST MY OPINION.
I do think that nogroovin, and Lillyval are VERY smart, very experienced, and only want what is best for you. Like I
said though, You have got too much to lose.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure that YOU are comfortable with it. I think that it’s great that you are getting
multiple views here. That’s what is great about this forum. This way you can make an educated decision.
I wish nothing but the best for you, and I will keep you in my prayers. Please let us know how
you are doing and what you decide to do in the end. Take Care~Kelly