Author: jcb1981
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 6:58 pm
Hi, everyone! I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting like I should. I hate to state the obvious here, but it’s my depression that has kept me away. I sure do appreciate everything you guys have taken the time to write and genuinely feel your concerns for me. It’s very comforting and reassuring and I should post more often.
Today is day number 36 free of Suboxone. For some background information, I do see a psychiatrist every two weeks who doubles as a psychologist. So, essentially, by going to him you cut out the two-step process of seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist who relay bits of information back to each other in order to come up with the right prescription(s) to take. I have been seeing this doctor for years now and am truly, TRULY lucky to be one of his patients. I have ADHD, and he happens to be an ADHD specialist with a huge knowledge of addiction and how to treat it. I just really lucked up with him. When it turns out that I am low on money, he tells me to pay him what I can afford, but he still spends a little over an hour with me every two weeks and listens deeply to everything I’m going through. I also e-mail him regularly with any questions about my Suboxone withdrawal or about withdrawal in general. He is available to me almost 24/7 and sincerely takes an interest in my well-being.
I have suffered since I was 19 with clinical depression and even longer with clinical insomnia and am being treated for both by my psychiatrist. Currently I take Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Abilify for depression, so that should dispel any of the curiosity anyone had about whether or not I needed to see a professional. Clearly, I do/am.
Last week, generally, was a good week. The nuances of my personality were starting to shine through…and then this past Friday hit, and all of that flew out the window. I went with a group of friends out to dinner and they all noticed my extremely unusual behavior as I was fighting back unwarranted tears the entire time. Once the dinner was over, I got in my car and just let it all out. When I drive is when I find that I do most of my crying, which really isn’t very often (except for in the past month or so), so getting in the car was like running to someone with open arms and a shoulder to cry on. I can listen to music and let it all out no matter how loud or horrible sounding it is.
Saturday I spent in a daze. Everything was foggy: my decisions, my actions, my movements. I simply didn’t want to make any decisions, to be frank. I was empty from the night before.
Sunday I did something unusual for me: I went hiking with my two dogs. It wasn’t a chore at all. My partner pushed me to do it, but my spirits were leveled and I wasn’t fatigued or "thinking too much." I had plenty of energy for the hike and am really glad I did it.
Today is Monday and I feel drained again, totally uninspired at work, and am just a waste of a human being. That’s the thing with this: YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT EACH DAY WILL BRING. But the worst is over, I know, and now it’s a matter of training my mind to live without Suboxone. I read in a previous post that it can take a fucking year for my body’s natural opiates to begin producing themselves at full capacity again. When I read things like that (albeit perhaps true) it just sinks me. I agree with the poster who said that us addicts have a quick-fix-in-a-pill mentality about our problems, and to read that it might take a year before I am whole again is shattering. But I have heard it before in rehab about alcohol, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true. I must say, however, that I have asked my doctor many times how long he anticipates this PAWS-related depression to last, and he has remained steadfast in his resolve that it will be one to two months, so that’s what I’m relying on.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not suffering horribly. I have no physical pains or withdrawal-related symptoms aside from daily headaches and diarrhea. It’s my mental state that concerns me. As unmotivated to go the extra mile as I was before making the jump, it’s nothing compared to my lack of drive now. I get up in the morning and I really don’t know what the day is presenting itself to me for. I feel trapped by time, by the days, which go by so slowly sometimes. I get up out of bed and haven’t the drive even to feed the dogs, even though I do. And it just scares me. I want my energy back most of all. I’m good at faking like I’m fine most of the time, but when I’m alone, I do nothing, I say nothing, and I think about nothing other than the time. Exercising, which I’ve done every day, hasn’t helped AT ALL.
This was a rather somber post, and I don’t want to alarm anyone: I have no intentions of hurting myself AT ALL. I’m still committed to doing this, and I knew that one way or another it wouldn’t be easy, but it sure beats depending on that little orange strip under my tongue each morning and afternoon. It is something I know I can look back on and be proud that I did. There is a lyric in a Stevie Nicks song that says, "There is no beauty without my beast," and right now–and JUST for right now–Suboxone is my beast.
–Juan