Author: invisiblemovement
Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 5:25 pm
Ya I don’t know if it’s like, people are scared of drug users or what. Maybe it’s similar to something you brought up. They are paranoid that they will be "guilty of association". So they are scared if they hang out with us, people will think bad of them too. I try to not let it get to me. I am paranoid when I am at work because my co-workers have so many suspicions, and every since suboxone I haven’t given them reason to be suspicious, but they will never forget. And everyone talks. You know, I hear gossip from my co-workers about people all the time, about people I don’t even know. I know people’s darkest secret in my little town of people I don’t even know personally. That’s why I am extra paranoid — I don’t know who knows what. The sad thing is, sometimes the gossip end up being exaggerate and untrue. So I can only image the kind of gossip going around about me. Sometimes I just think that people talk about people but they don’t actually hate other people. They just like to talk about it because it’s fun. Drama is fun. So I try to not let it get to me and keep saying that some day I will live in a better town, maybe a big city, and have a good job and show them that they’re wrong. Thanks for your kind words, my family is getting a little better as time goes on. Part of it is, now shit is going down with my sister and her husband so it’s like people have forgotten about my past as of now. I want their support so bad, so I can get off suboxone, but I dare not open up that can of worms all over and make them worry and blow everything out of proportion.
I totally am paranoid about the cops too. I get paranoid they will pull me over for some little swerve too. They actually did once. They "claimed" I was swerving but I know I wasn’t. I denied their request to search the car, even though I didn’t have anything on me, and they brought the dogs and everything. Turns out it was good I didn’t let them b/c my friend’s son had weed on him and he stashed it in the car and I would have gotten charged for it. But anyways, yes it is like, somehow they know something, or else they wouldn’t have pulled me over. Unless they were after my friend’s son and I just didn’t know it. But, yes I get so paranoid because I always have my subs on me and even last night as I left my friends house who gets the subs, I was paranoid every single car behind me was the cops. Because like you said, it’s a small town, and the cops talk to everyone.
You are lucky your insurance covers something. My friend went to court after the drunk truck driver incident and they said he could get cash or else insurance for life. He took insurance for life. Ten years later, he gets something in the mail that says his insurance is canceled. This happened a few months ago. His doctor is understanding and lets him get subutex instead because it is half the cost. So I suppose you could try asking your doctor that. I don’t think doctors are usually that nice about prescribing subutex, though.
When I stopped using drugs, I am the one that stopped hanging out with them. I chose to delete all of their numbers, move out of my boyfriend’s house and away from the environment, and to never call anyone except him ever again. What hurts the most is that I had a lot of friends before I used drugs and when they found out I smoked pot they all stopped talking to me and then now, years later, I have tried to get in contact with them and prove that I don’t do that (I haven’t even smoked pot in years) and still, they think I’m a bad person. And they don’t even know the worst of it. I end up using more suboxone to fight the loneliness. I realize it’s wrong so I do try and change my thoughts. A lot of it is learning how to not need anyone. It’s hard but I keep faith that I’ll be fine being alone some day.