Author: Salem13

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:22 am

First of all….thank you everyone for the amazing support you have given me…and I just joined this forum yesterday! !!! Awesome to hear experiences of people who can relate!! Because I am posting from my phone. ..it will not allow me to view the thread while I am writing this, so I apologize for not being able to address all of your comments or questions by name (my memory is wretched!) For the question regarding tapering further down…I have done some reading since I wrote the above comment and I am toying with the idea of two different approaches based on the info i have seen. I i am not sure if i am going to actually DO the taper this way, but the most "appealing" (for lack of a WAY better word!) plan that I have read about is the idea of not taking another dose unless I start to feel really bad…and at that point taking .25 if I need to take any at all.
For someone like me this approach sounds pretty perfect. I am the type of person who screws myself mentally BAD!!! Other addicts have commented in the past on just how bad my mind tricks me. 4 hours with no opiates in my using days, and I was convinced I was dying. Maybe it was bc I was so very young when I began or maybe I am just dramatic LOL One thing that was funny about me which I finally noticed years later was that even when I was given an opiate by my then fiance….bc I didn’t shoot it or know what it was by name…it automatically "sucked" and didn’t get me well…come to find out the pills he was giving me were morphine!!!!!. Funny and scary at the same time how much the mind truly turns bad situations worse…in the same way though, the mind can turn a bad situation into a tolerable learning experience…WantToBeFREE’s story is an amazing example of staying positive and never giving up! I am sure the rest of you have some great stories as well! My point is…if i can get off of this in a nonchalant kind of way and trick my mind into thinking "well this is no big deal bc if I get really sick I can just take a small dose" and I will have the .25 all mixed up and ready to go…I know I will have a WAY easier time of this than if I officially have a "stop date" and I know that is it. For some people..they can’t do it any other way..they can’t taper they just have to jump. For me personally…the amount of anxiety and panic that "finality" causes is usually way worse than my detox symptoms alone! I was prescribed benzos for anxiety since age 15 and I relied on them daily. I would take them for no apparent reason..meaning i took them daily even when i had zero anxiety. I convinced myself that i needed them in order to not feel anxious, rather than using them as needed when i was anxious!. I never felt high from benzos…I took them because I thought they helped. Last July..after 15 years of taking the clonazepam and valium 3 plus times a day we moved to a new county (still in FL but about 2 hours south of where i was raised) and it just so happens that this lovely town is a HUGE anti pill mill community!!! I was taken off of my benzos and told that i would be fine. I was so panicked!!! My husband decided to take matters into his own hands and he produced a random bottle of Klonopin which he said he saved for me in case of emergency. I went through the detox with no noticable symptoms aside from very mild anxiety…and the sole reason that i was able to do this was that i had a bottle of the pills just in case. A month later i went to dump the pills out and realized my husband had tricked me! He filled an old botttle of my meds with his little green vitamin supplements!!!! So that is one example of the way my mind works. If i know i am not completely screwed it helps me to stay calm and power through. If I think I am screwed and i have no backup, rather than being strong and having the survivor in me break through, i end up nd saying "f this! I cant do this…omfg the world is ending and i will die sitting on the toliet with flames shooting from every orfice!!!!" (Thankfully that only happened once….damn methadone!!!!)
The second approach I am interested in is the liquid taper. My generic subutex pills are a bloody nightmare to even break in HALF much less into tiny crumbs! As of right now I am taking a tiny chunk but even then I am not sure from one dose to the next how much I am getting! The best idea I can think of for me would be to combine both methods….the "okay lets see how long I can go" method with a backup plan of liquid dose .25mg. I am motivated to get off of this stuff more than I have EVER been motivated before by anything! It is really easy to say thay now…after taking .5mg around noon yesterday I still probably have some in my system! I don’t truly anticipate a horrible withdrawal. I am already an insomniac with restless legs as is and when I use the term insomniac…I don’t use it loosely! On average the MOST sleep I get is 4 hours a night and my anxiety causes me to not be able to sleep during the day…even though I technically could bc I have 8am to 3:30 of nothing while the kids are at school. My biggest challenge is going to be staying positive and trying to keep myself "busy" I have been in the grips of a lovely bipolar "episode" of depression since around Christmas time (I couldn’t get an appt for a psych dr in this new town and so I have been off of my meds for 6 months…I have an appt Monday thank GOODNESS) Anyhow..my depressed state consists of me literally doing nothing at all and lying in bed all day deep breathing through anxiety attacks feeling like a dramatic loser!!!!! I used to get so mad when people would say things like "im bipolar" bc I thought it was such a damn cop out!!! Then I got diagnosed and quickly realized the difference between meds and no meds is night and damn day! I do not exercise…like EVER! I dont eat enough for months and then suddenly I want to eat the whole damn sunshine state in one bite…. so my weight fluctuates like crazy!
I know so many people recommend exercise but what if the most you ever do is reach for a dorito you dropped?? I mean…I don’t ever even go downstairs in my own house much less outside! For someone like me..would it be wise to attempt exercise during this process? (No really I want uour opinions!) So that is where Im at with my plan…I have a plan to have no plan! I am really antsy and I just have that feeling of anger towards the subs and the past year and a half of shackles (dont get me wrong subs saved my life) I just want OFF so bad that I think I should take full advantage and let that anger fuel me!
Not to pick a fave or discount any of the other awesome comments and support you all have given but….thank you Lily for sharing your AMAZING experience with me…it stood out bc of the lack of serious symptoms u experienced and the half life info!!! I love hearing stories like yours bc then its easier for me to not make a big deal of this! But as i said…the words of every one of you have helped me more than u know!!! (Well actually most of you DO know!)
In regards to the question about the program (na/aa) I have been in and out of the rooms since age 16 and I have a ton of family members in the rooms also. Every single one of my friends is in recovery…my best friend of 25 years has almost 6yrs clean time now…which is amazing!!! I plan to work my way up to things like meetings..but first I have to bust out the courage to go to the mailbox baby steps lol
Sorry for the damn novel…being brief is not one of my strong suits! I am still overjoyed about the half life info…is it REALLY true?!! It seems to good to b true!!!! So if I take my normal .5 at noon one day…by noon the next day I will have none in my system? So the fact that I am dosing every other day with no symptoms is HUGE right? I sure hope so! Have a great day everyone…I am so happy to have a support system here…that I may just walk downstairs today lol Thanks for everything