Author: Donewithem

Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 8:06 am

Hi Lilly, I’m new to forum but not to opiates or subs or all of the issues I’ve been reading that you have been going through. (i too used to take more with anxiety and went up and down for years on subs and had marriage and trust issues etc and hated myself etc…) When enough was enough and I really decided to quit (for the first four months of my reducing from 16 mg to 2 mg) I had to cut a weeks worth of subs at a time up and put them in sandwich bags with each day of week on it and give everything to my wife and leave the house so she could really hide them good… She kept the main stash hidden well and the daily bags were hidden well too. Anyway I never found them the couple of times I got weak and tried. She would just give me my daily bag and that was it. I just had to adjust my mind to other things. Anyway I got 10 years of crazy addiction stories I could tell that would probably have most of you laughing or crying saying " yeah… I did that too!" I posted a few days ago and have finally gotten off subs (over 2 weeks now) after almost 5 years of ups and downs (on subs). I’m actually feeling good with only minimal issues (which doesn’t matter… It wouldn’t make a damn how I felt, I’m not takin the shit anymore). I did it by the slowest of gradual tapers to the most micro of doses. While the gradual taper (9 months) and the micro dose worked that’s not really what has gotten me clean and what’s going to keep me clean. That happened in me almost a year ago. It’s hard to describe the feeling but something in me just said "no more" and I knew I just had to do it for myself and my family. (also if you keep this mindset and can stay on a disciplined reduction for 6 to 8 months you have trained yourself by then to remain disciplined) By the way I’ve only read a couple of post since joining this forum and I can’t believe there are people who think we can’t stay clean (like the one who pissed you off) I know it’s only been a couple of weeks for me but if you could have seen the small micro doses I have been taking for the last couple months of my taper you would understand that I’ve almost been taking nothing anyway. (toward the end it is mostly mental… This is where the last battle occurs) I got clean in my head months before I got clean in my body. I was just tired of this shit beating me. I mean it was to the point with me that I would rather be dead than to use again (that’s the honest truth). So I’ve known for a long time now that I’m donewithem. 10 years! 10 long freaking years of lies to my wife, myself and everyone else I loved. I just didn’t want to be that person anymore. And for the naysayers (like the one who hurt you) that says or thinks I’m gonna ever put that shit in my mouth again in six months or six years you can come on down here to Georgia and kiss my cracker a$$!!!! There comes a point when it’s over. Believe me…I know the difference… After all the times I hated myself and swore and cried and begged and apologized and promised and lied and quit only to start back ….. I know the difference. I know that it feels different when you know its over… When you have finally turned the switch off. I’ve gotten the mental and spiritual issues worked out, I’m happy, I’ve been happy every since I knew it was over even before I quit. Its Been different the whole way this time. I’m living life More like I used to now. My mind is on other things. My addiction history is and will always be a part of me. I embrace that, I accept that, its a part of who I am. But that’s all. I must move on. I come here to encourage and let anyone here know that there is a switch in your mind that with Gods help you can turn off and be done with your addicting thoughts. It really is possible ( this from a 10 yr opiate user) And God is the biggest thing that we have for help. He really does fill the void. And do not be discouraged if you’ve tried to quit a hundred times and failed. Your still here and there is still tomorrow. Just dig down deep with the One who made you and decide what it is that you really want and ask Him to help. He has promised that He would and He will! I tried and failed for years but it has finally happened. If you really want it it will come to you… And you will know it when it does! My prayers and good thoughts to all!