Author: Diary of a Quitter
Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:59 am
I can’t even imagine how crazy-making this situation must be. I hope you’re able to get the biopsy and get a definitive no on cancer soon.
I’ve never been in a situation like this but I do know how stress and anxiety can start to take on a life of their own, becoming this horrible negative feedback loop that escalates and escalates. Hopefully your therapist will help you figure out how to break that loop and get you feeling better.
I know how easy it is to focus on the worst possible outcome and how scary and horrible it could be. But I know, and I know you know, that freaking out about things we have no control over just adds an extra layer of crap to an already shitty situation. Sometimes it helps me to focus on things that I can do something about, but other times that’s easier said than done. Ha Ha.
I do know you to be a strong person though, and I wonder if you could just decide to be ok with not knowing for now? You have seen a few doctors now and none of them have been like: HOLY SHIT, we need to get you into surgery yesterday! It seems like the chance is greater that you don’t have cancer than that you do…so maybe try to roll with that for a while?
I feel like I’m coming across like some asshole who’s all: Don’t Worry Be Happy! but that’s not what I mean at all. I know you meditate so I think you’re probably familiar with that feeling of being able to observe the separation between the emotionally reactive part of yourself and the part of your consiousness that’s kind of outside that; the part that decides how to respond to the emotions. Sometimes I have to almost forcibly put that part of myself back in charge of me so I don’t go down the rabbit-hole of anxiety or depression. Usually I can do it by talking to myself or setting a time limit for myself to indulge in whatever feeling it is and then making myself move on to do something to make myself feel better. So if I’m going down the rabbit hole because my husband has been unemployed for 2 years, we are living in his grandmother’s house because we are broke, I am never going to finish college, blah, blah blah…I give myself 20 minutes to cry and then I tell myself, look, I can’t fix any of this shit right now but I can do this….and then I do whatever that is.
I don’t know if any of that is helpful. I hope you are able to get some sleep soon and get some answers soon. In the meantime, take care of yourself.