Author: jmdear
Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 2:01 pm
I do not know where to start with my reply…Reading your first post from back in August made me think about myself 5 years ago. I was very young when my addiction started…I was 15 and hooked on heroin. Wound up on the streets of DC, far away from my family, albeit a quite dysfunctional family. At 20 yrs old, I found myself in jail…served 8 months and in that time cold-turkey detoxed from a boat load of heroin daily. It saved my life truly.
When I got out at 21, I moved in with my biological father and started college for nursing. I met my husband, fell in love and had our beautiful daughter at 22. I never looked back and in hindsight, that was the problem.
After her complicated delivery in which I received 2 epsiotimies, internal and external, a torn cervix, multiple units of blood and the most excruciating headache from the epidural I was put on Vicodin. I was completely in love with my beautiful baby girl and so determined to be the best Mom EVER! It was so hard…My husband was gone working all the time, and we had no family around…I had no friends either..never had time to make any. She was extremely colic and I got no sleep…I found that the vicodins made it sooooo much easier…I had all this energy to be Super Mom…I could sooth the hours and hours of crying, keep the house clean, do all the latest and greatest "Raise a Genius Baby" stuff and be the most amazing wife ever…oh and continue my college part time too! It was apparent when my daughter started running(not walking, running!) at 9 1/2 months, that I had a problem…I kept having all these problems that required pain medication…then I had my wisdom teeth out…then I needed a "cosmetic" surgery…then my back hurt..you get the drift?
All of a sudden, a Vicodin or two turned into 10 or 15. I realized I had a problem, and my husband did too. We sought out help for me…I went to a therapist that recommended suboxone…The induction specialist told me it was a non-addictive, non-opiate that would re-train my brain to not like drugs….Word to the wise..If it sounds too good to be true, IT IS!
Now…5 years later, I have anxiety. BAD anxiety…Full blown panic attacks..I feel numb most of the time.
BUT…there is always a BUT…It did help me regain function of my life in the beginning. I will never forget after sitting in the office for that hour, and driving home and CLEANING the hell out of my house, doing like 20 loads of laundry, making stuffed Chicken Limone’ and putting on some sexy ass lingerie all in time for my husband to come home, LOL…It was like the good ole days. I will say that I was not treated well…back then, I think there was a lot of ignorance among sub doctors…They had me on 24 mg a day and I was higher then a kite with just 8 mg. I often wonder if it would be different had I been put on a low dose. This super feeling lasted a year or two..My doctor never tried to get me to taper, and when he finally did he put me on the 2 mg tabs, but the whole time the pharmacist was filling the script with 8 mg tabs 
The addict that I am, of course did not say anything until the time the pharmacist filled the script with the RIGHT mg tab, and I ran out while my doc was away for the week. The covering doc refused to give me anymore, and I had the worst week of my entire life and that says A LOT coming from an ex heroin junkie whop has been shot, raped, beaten, kidnapped and left for dead.
About 2/5 years into my "treatment" I had my first ever full blown panic attack. Since that day, I had had sever anxiety and panic attacks, but the anxiety will not allow me to take meds for it. A nasty cycle it is. I have managed it on my own and truthfully the most helpful thing I did was get a puppy(that I now compete with)and learn to take my pulse. When I feel a panic attack coming on, I take my pulse…That helps in a couple ways…1) It keeps my brain focused for a minute, allowing me enough time to nip the fight or flight response in the bud, and 2) it makes me realize my heart is not ACTUALLY beating 300 bpm.
Getting back to your dilemma. I would say that if there is ANY OTHER WAY, do not take Suboxone. If you are all but certain that you will not be able to function, that your quality of life is SHIT, that there is NO HOPE what so ever without it, then and only then would I recommend you getting on suboxone.
And if you choose to try suboxone, then you need to be on the lowest dose possible. I would try 2 mg to start.
The WD’s from suboxone are much more fierce and longer lasting then hydros. The anxiety is much worse. Most people that get oiff subs, have a long wd process and paws that last months.
If I had it to do over, I would not have taken the sub…I would have fought through the week or so of wds from the vicodin, then I would have gotten help. The best way to fight depression and anxiety is to eat healthy and excercise. You need to have a support system…find a meeting somewhere.
I am sorry you are suffering and I wish I could help…truly. If I had magic wand, I would use it to heal all the addicts in the world..I truly think we are some of the smartest people in the world…The drugs take that from us….We have to take it back. There is something within each of us that is not found in "regular" people. It is our job to turn that into something magical. keep us posted on what you decide!