Author: broseph

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:07 pm

Hey Amy, that’s great. Glad to hear you’re still making progress.

I’m posting again because I feel like I’ve turned some kind of corner. I had 3 weird days adjusting, but now I almost feel like I hardly even need the sub. I used to wake up and feel a hint of withdrawal, and feel the same in the evening. Now it seems like I don’t feel that at all. I think I’m going to try to drop to .25 sooner than expected. If it’s as painless as this drop has been all things considered, I think getting down to a low enough dose to step off might not be too far off. I’m still dosing with 8mg strips so 1 lasts me 21 days at this point. The pieces I take are very small.

I feel more sober than ever and have only very recently realized what a fucking cloud I was in all those years I was taking heavy doses. The mask is lifting. I’m naked in front of the world again and it’s exhilarating, but also a bit unnerving. I’m not totally used to it. I’d be lying if I said I still don’t have cravings. As of late, I do. My brain says I should get a few vicodin to help me through the short sub withdrawal. Or that you can handle getting high every now and then. You did for years before a traumatic event pushed you into full blown addiction and you’d never make that mistake again. But underneath it all, I know this is my disease doing whatever it can to try to gain a foothold again. I don’t want to put the mask back on. I want to start living my life as me, and not some emotionally vacant pill popping junkie.

I am going to see an addiction specialist within the next few weeks. I found one near me a few weeks ago who has great things written about her on the web, but have been putting off calling her. Writing all of this out makes me realize I have to go if I want to stay sober. I have to put in the work. I’ve made too much progress to go back.