Author: NYG

Posted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:19 pm

Day 7. Today didn’t start off bad, actually got seven hours sleep, physical symptoms are subsiding I think. Mental part…not so good anymore. I’m up them I’m REALLY DOWN. It’s like I have this feeling that I’m never going to be happy again even though I know it’s the wd f*ckin with me. I’m not even close to being bed ridden or anything, I just have constant negative thoughts about my life cycling through my head consistently. I know I have a substance abuse problem and I’m afraid I’m going to cave. I just want to stop the emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t drink Saturday, but I was a walking panic attack. I didn’t even want to go to the grocery store, but i did. Major agoraphobia. This morning I felt less anxious and forced myself to go to the movies (The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, a little disappointed considering the cast) and then went straight to the bar to meet friends (also to numb the anxiety.) I got home and started to pack for my next sh*tty trip and LOST IT. Realizing that there is no one to come home to, god knows when there will be, and if there is, they’ll probably leave me because I’m not around for them and all kinds of bullsh*t along those lines. "Why be miserable sober when you can be high?" is the question going through my head like a broken record. I hate being on the road, I hate being home, and when I go out, it’s with my only friends that drink and use on the weekends. I HOPE that it’s just PAWS and I hope it ends soon!

I’m going to take Jen’s advice and take a hot ass shower for at least thirty minutes.