Author: Jennicole525

Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:57 pm

Mycovery- thank you, it’s a pleasure. This thread here is for smiles & laughter, feelings & support to anyone. Life’s not all that bad if you give it a chance.

I’m freakin WIPED!!!!
Sorry I couldn’t get on last night. I had to be up at 3am to get to work @ 4am for a 12 hr shift. I wanted to post so badly how I was feeling about going back to work. I had the craziest butterflies in my stomach all evening long!! Haven’t felt that since I was a youngin!!

Luckily, today was pretty quiet. Knock on wood. (We NEVER say that out loud. It means drinks and dinner on you! ) We only had to take off once for an accident. Everything was SO surreal. Upon arrival at the scene and observing what exactly we were about to get into, I said to myself, "How the f*ck did i end up doing THIS for a career!?"LOL. —although I know all too well why I did— I almost had a panic attack when the scanner went off and coded there was someone that needed to be airlifted. Once we got up in the air I thought i was going to throw up and pass out. Before, I would of been going crazy with the boys getting amped up. Shit, I would of strapped on a parachute and jumped out if I could of! Not today. I just sat there in silence! "Q" asked me, "are you okay, Jen?" I told him fine, I was just tired, *fake smile*

I was on maternity leave….Nobody knew what I was going through. (Even though there are MANY of us in the same boat in healthcare, I’m not alone, trust me) There’s no way in hell that I can loose my job. Ive worked my ass off to get this job since i was 17, not to mention there is a very little turn over rate and almost zero openings ever, and the qualifications are almost impossible. (good luck considering being a functioning addict.) I’ve never been completely pill free and sober in my whole career I have ALOT of crazy, unbelievable stories. There are a lot of emotions that I was absolutely numbing. What an eye opener. Even though I knew what I was doing physically by habit and nature, it was as though mentally experiencing what I was seeing/feeling/hearing for the first time all over again, and this call wasn’t even that bad this time. Talk about a natural high!

Enough of work for now…. !! It’s been 42 days now. Wow. Felt some crappy ass RLS RBS (body) and mild w/d at bedtime last night. Been extremely tired. I have some motivation back so it’s not an overwhelming, extreme exhaustion. Now I just want to sleep!!!!! Sleep and get the HELL out of the house! No happy medium. Being idle is uncomfortable mentally. I’m starting to realize that not sleeping with withdrawals is actually a good thing. You’re brains been hijacked and now it’s trying to make a break for it. (Which means staying awake lol). I’m the type of person that likes to try to make logic of things to better knowledge myself. Now that I’m 60% or so, it just wants to sleep! I cannot blame it. My body needs an induced coma at this point in order to repair itself!!! Ha! My withdrawals are still present in waves. Majority of it now is an extremely achey, sore and sensitive body, and muscle spasms. The funny part, I was telling my bf that all of a sudden I get a rush of serotonin etc that makes me feel high. Then the next I don’t have enough (which would explain "waves" of withdrawal.) At least it’s working! It’ll level itself out eventually.

Hoping to get back into my gym this week. Im going to try tanning there to see if it’ll relax these destroyed muscles before i do anything. Now i need to gain some weight! Never thought I’d see the day where I felt good enough to go. Do they have a kiddie gym? I need sign up there because of the muscle atrophy! Wonder woman left the room!…. Im learning how to walk again…..*sigh*

For those of you who have battled this already, (you freaking incredibly amazing people you! shit sucks serious BUTT!!!) what’s your experience and remembrance on/around a month and a half? (Sorry, I know you will probably have night terrors and flash backs! Lol) just curious so I know crazy and the only one!

Tiny-ill email you the pic. Thanks! I think my iPad is just being a bitch now this time you get to see a cute, super fluffy piper. Not the fucking satan piper!