Author: Donechasing
Posted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 2:37 pm
Well, hello, and I’m sorry, and thanks, and whatever……
I’m into the fight, it started with an early wakeup this morning at 3:00 a.m., (I was level at typically 8mg/day since 12/5/12, so basically 3 almost 4 months sub use, with a 180 mg/day oxy habit (avg) for about 3 years before that, and 5 years of oxy use altogether) Panic attack this morning was followed by lethargic day, but it turned ugly after lunch with the rapid/pounding heartbeat, and I’m certain from previous full agonist w/d that means the rest of symptoms won’t be far in the distance)
You know, I didn’t mean to "aim" my venting in anyway, although with some of the mod’s comments, that were less than random mortar fire, I did get a little chapped and vent back. I never meant to get personal, but when it kept coming, I kinda let it go in full automatic.
I’m done with that, done with fighting against people who are set in their own ways. I’m not on a mission to change them, just me, so my focus is on myself.
At my last meeting with therapist, I explained to him I wanted to taper, and he fabricated all the reasons not to. He wants me to attend IOP intensive 12 step outpatient program while on sub. I’m sorry, but I mean to extract EVERY bit of good I can get out of this. I know now, that his somewhat "canned" approach to my recovery is just that. It seems the medical community believes that it takes a year to develop new lifestyle away from using. Well, I have no desire to grab an oxy. I have lost so much time, money, and what’s worse, love to and from my family from that blue pill that it drives me insane to think about it. Then cometh the legal thing. Well, I am trying on a daily basis to consider that if it had not been that, then what? Would I have spiraled further out of control and nodded behind the wheel, taken out my dear son, or wife, or all three of us, or you know the rest?
So, if I carefully consider this as a process, just like the rest of my recovery, then it is easier to swallow the pill, and move on with life. Oh, that said and done, I’ll never be "right" about it, considering all the better ways I have invested time and money. But when my doctor looked me in the eye and said "make no mistake, I have not detoxed you!" a little switch clicked on, and then a circuit breaker when he said he wanted me to go like I am for the balance of a year, then spend a year tapering. I can’t live any longer like this. I grew teary eyed, looked at him, and begged him basically, that the spring is coming, and I needed to wake up sometime in the future and hear the birds singing, smell the fragrances of spring, and be glad I’m alive, and have the health I haven’t managed to compromise, mentally and physically.
I knew this was a bad idea, but the pressure of my court appearances, and advice from my family, and counsel, led me to believe that going to addictionologist was a good thing. Well, it may have and may still be, but not the suboxone.
I truly feel, and I know everyone of us is uniquely different, and then in one way identical, that I had reached burnout on oxy. I started sourcing anywhere I could find it, because I had a failed and complicated foot surgery, chronic back pain, and dental issues all going at the same time. When the oxy now I feel was just exacerbating my pain, at the time, it seemed logical to put out bigger fire with bigger hose. I got hosed allright.
So I’m burned out, testosterone off the chart low, constantly depressed, on the oxy in October of last year, and explained to my personal doctor I had reached the end with oxy. I asked, and he complied with some hydros for a parachute, but that was a mistake too. I went from emotional roller coaster to emotional haunted house. So I put that down too in late November, and I think, keyword, had made it 6 days without anything, when I gave in and went to the subs. Again, knowing how I responded to it, I wish I had never made that move.
I never felt good on it, just "o.k.", and many many times, totally compromised intellectually, almost to the scared to make a decision, of any magnitued point. Simple, mindless things just scared the Hell out of me. Throw in the emotional impact, which was either complete flat emotions, or sometimes actually depressed right after dosing, and I quickly started my "angst" in regard to bupe.
Now, I don’t mind and will pm you if you have continued interest about my progress.
I should mention that last week, planning to take "aggressive" action on my current situation, I experimented with the sub, I guess to see just what higher doses could do. I took about 3 or 4 days worth of 3 strips, 24 mg last week, ending on Saturday. I had reserved one strip, like a dummy, on Saturday when I destroyed the balance of my stock. So, I burned that on Monday. Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday have all been zero days, as I have zero left. I got a little bit panicky this morning, but this afternoon starts the pounding heartbeat and combinational anxiety/malaise.
I am not scared or even feeling depressed though, and the latter one kinda confuses me. Detox from oxy I was always terribly depressed. But, given that I never felt "happy" off the sub, I guess the opposite of zero is still zero. So maybe this will be easier. I know all the previous withdrawals were unplanned and therefore I lay around and feel lousy just because I had gotten myself into a problem by overusing. This feels a bit different. Maybe it is the fact I’m doing this for me this time around.
I can’t wait to start looking forward to life and waking up ready to do things instead of dreading the future and activities of all types.
This "anhedonia", the best clinical term I can find besides "hyperalgesia", is in perpetual motion on sub. Perhaps my addiction is in remission, but my recovery is as well. I’m ready to get busy living, or get busy dying, and that’s God Damned right.!
I’ll keep in touch, perhaps pm you in a couple days let you know how it is going.
DC
